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Old 06-28-2011, 07:41 PM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,962

Originally Posted by southerngirl View Post
SNeacail, thanks for you reply. Can you explain why you think it sounds abusive? Generally, my husband is pretty supportive. But, he does get needy and critical of me at times, which I'm learning is really just an expression of his own insecurities. I was wondering, though, what you picked up on that maybe I'm missing.
I was actually thinking along the same lines as SNeacail. Not sure if it was as far as abusive, although that was only because initial posts like yours do tend to contain most of the crap about other partners(your husband in this case), with little of their merits. But something does seem off about the situation, and I certainly wouldn't rule out abusive from your initial description.

At the very least, there's a couple principles that I really like when working on poly relationships, and that you might want to give some thought to.

1. Respect.
I find this is a critical part of the foundation of any relationship. Poly, mono, romantic, friend, business, it really doesn't matter.
So when you say your husband is critical of you, or blames you for things beyond your control, much respect is he giving you?

2. There's no one right way to do Poly, but there's a lot of wrong ways.
There's a lot in your post about wanting to take care of your husbands needs and wants...without a lot of regard to your own. A lot of his actions appear to be self-serving and driven towards taking care of his own needs, and maintaining whatever other relationships he has with other women without regard to you, or your marriage...and especially when things aren't going well, which is precisely the time when he should be concentrating on home instead of checking out.

3. Sort out your own shit.
A common theme is that in order to maintain multiple relationships, you had better have yourself and your own shit sorted out first. Poly will act as a magnifying glass to your own issues which you aren't aware of, or haven't developed the tools to deal with. From reading your original post, it doesn't sound like this has been done. Not for you, not for your husband. Both of you seem to have a lot of shit to sort out, both individually (his insecurities, and your self-image), and as a couple. And I would suspect it's a major culprit in the success of the poly endeavors so far.

I know your question was about trying to help your husband through breakups, and you seem to have some idea of a poly ideal which you would be interested in working towards. But all I can figure is that all such efforts are moot with the path you're on. You're basically putting the cart before the horse.

Regardless of the outcome of the most recent gf, you and your husband would do better to take a break from pursuing poly, and spend some time rebuilding your marriage, and getting some proper counselling. And if he won't, you should, and decide if this marriage is something you really want to salvage. If it's really what you want for yourself in the long term.
“People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.” - Chinese Proverb

-Imaginary Illusion

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