Ok - I'm to let this go at this point. Either I'm a poor writer or you're a poor reader/listener. Or more likely it's just a language/cultural barrier. But whatever the case, I'm 'red flagged' at this point so anything I say is worthless. So why say anything - right ?
But just for the benefit of others who may be - or will - follow this thread I want to leave this........
I may have thrown the term 'homophobia' around loosely. I do that a lot with terms and forget that some terms really have deep seated trigger associations. I tend to use any word or phrase metaphorically to convey a picture in as few words as possible. No guarantee of grammatic accuracy
Homo = 'same sex sexuality' , 'phobia' = fear'. Pretty basic and in this case I think - not inaccurate.
Here's my summary as I see it........
1> You are not comfortable with same sex play in your presence. No judgement as to where that comes from or why. Doesn't matter. UNLESS it matters to you !
2> You view sexuality in a relationship with somewhat of a competitive edge. This is VERY common. Also very self defeating. You being opposite gender don't feel you could 'compete' with a same gender person. Therefore - fear & discomfort. Unless you develop a different 'view' of sexuality that competitive stance will always be a potential source of problems.
3> You are a bit defensive that you feel something was 'hidden' from you for many years that if you had known earlier might have changed your feeling/opinion of your hubby and maybe whether you even would have chosen to be in a relationship.
it WAS hidden - for good reason. Sad as that is. Your position and reaction is fully self explanatory why that is !
4> You are especially uncomfortable with the idea that you are being forced/manipulated by your hubby in a direction you aren't comfortable with. The reality as "I" see it, is that he's hoping desperately that being more involved may sway your opinion because he want's both in his life. You and a male lover(s). He want's your approval and love.
You are looking only at your own needs/desires.
5> Your claims to the nobility and altruistic motivation of "not wanting to hurt anyone else" (as part of a group sex scene) I find as little more than self deception. A smoke screen. But that's just 'my' opinion and we all know what opinions are worth.
I can safely say there's little risk involved in a bi guy playing with you and your hubby for the pleasure and eroticism of it being 'wounded'. Is it impossible that a guy might hope for more (a deeper relationship) and be let down ? Of course. But history points to the fact that the odds of that are so small as to be insignificant.
Sorry - got to run..............
Good luck !