This'll probably be really rambly. I'm not even sure what I want to say.
I'm feeling sort of heartbroken right now, which is silly, because I haven't been dumped. I'm still with Romeo, Knight and I are still whatever we are, and all should be well.
Breaking off the engagement is really taking a toll on me. It really hurts. I worry that Romeo is gearing up to leave me. He has said so many different things, trying to explain where he's coming from... some things sound contradictory. I really don't like it. Romeo said at one point something like "OK, we can go back to being engaged if you want", but... it's not the same. It would be forced, it would be something he's doing to make me happy, not because he wanted it, and that in itself would not make me happy.
Why am I hurting this much over one stupid title? I must have given the title a different meaning than Romeo. To him, being engaged to be married is incompatible with non monogamy. To me, neither being engaged or being married is incompatible with non monogamy.
To me, going from being engaged to being boyfriend and girlfriend is a huge step backwards in a relationship, and I am very skeptical of the strength of a relationship moving in reverse.
He acknowledged last night that part of what influenced his decision was my failure to insist on condom usage that time with Knight. I can understand that. I just don't know what to DO with that. Just let time pass, I suppose.
I don't know what to do with my hurt. I cry each time Romeo and I talk about this breaking off the engagement thing. He asks if I'm OK, and I say I'm OK. He asks what's wrong, and I say he knows what's wrong; we've already talked about it. The whole discussion starts over and we rehash his reasons for breaking off the engagement and my reasons for hurting over it and not wanting to break off the engagement, and I start crying when I start expressing how worried I am that I'm losing him.
He has tried reassuring me that he still loves me and isn't leaving, but I still feel the same. I guess maybe we just need to lay that topic to rest for a bit, because I'm going to create the feeling of a tumultous relationship if I keep crying every time we talk.
Another facet to what's bothering me is the fact that Romeo stayed out late on Sunday night, the day that he told me he wanted to break off the engagement. He didn't tell me he was staying out late, he didn't tell me where he was going or who he was going to be with until he got back home in the wee hours of the morning. He told me then that he'd been with a girl we know. She needed support because a friend of hers had committed suicide. Obviously, I understand her need for support in these circumstances, and I don't think there's anything wrong with him doing that, but under these particular circumstances, I felt like he was going off to connect with another girl and he was leaving me out of the loop about it. My biggest concern with that is the fact that he didn't stop and text me or call me. That, and the fact that it was so soon after breaking off the engagement, and I had told him that I would likely need extra reassurance that he's still in this relationship... It just stings.
I guess what the status of "being engaged" meant to me was a promise to stay together. Being "boyfriend and girlfriend" doesn't carry that promise, to me. So now I'm worried that once the going gets a little rough, he'll just bail, cause I'm just his girlfriend.
I need to change my perspective or something. Or just stop thinking about it and talking about it. I don't know.
I feel bad that my pain over this is going to affect my relationship with Knight. I don't know how to keep my pain from having a caustic effect on whatever it is we've got blooming between us. I really felt like Romeo and I were in a good, strong, healthy place, which should be healthy for what I've got with Knight, but now I don't feel like Romeo and I are in such a strong place. It feels shaky and haphazard and scary.
I don't know if I'm supposed to keep quiet about what's going on with Romeo when I'm with Knight, and vice versa, or if I'm supposed to be constantly updating them both on where things stand since it concerns all of us.
At this point I guess I'm worried they'll both leave to make room for one another in my life, and then I'll have neither, when I wanted both.
Vix for short.