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Old 06-27-2011, 09:11 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I'm just wondering if you can put your sex with him on hold for awhile. Sometimes having sex, just to prove a point or to be falsely close adds more distance and more confusion and resentment. It sounds like some heavy talking using a lot of empathy, kind words, feelings and requests would suit you more.... shut the movie off and talk.

He needs to start dating men I think.... you don't need to be involved in that. If it doesn't interest you then don't be involved. It sounds like you told him it repulses you in some way. So why not take it back. You could say, "look honey, I had never thought of man sex before and it quite alarmed me and the thought of it didn't make me comfortable. You go have man sex all you want, I just am not interested in participating.... I would be more interested in seeing that you are happy and your needs are being met on your own." That way he knows you love him, knows you are not going to be involved but are there to be a rock while he figures out how to deal with the prospect of finding a man.

Having a partner sometimes means rising to the occasion and helping through their issues. This is a big one for him. You can help him simply by smiling, being calm, not reading into it so much and being firm about your boundaries. The other part is to listen and reflect what he says. This is for him to figure out is seems, there is a history there for him. What a gift it would be if you were there as he dealt with this. It sounds like its coming to a head with all the porn he watches, what he has expressed to you etc.... you have become wrapped up in that for some reason and that is not necessarily healthy. You are not part of that, he is an what his desire is. He is independent of you and you of him. You can observe each others life and love them regardless, but no one can take on your issues and self work for you.
Having read all subsequent posts; I am still going with my original post. It seems that you might have to get past your own disappointment and fear to get there.

As the wife of a bi man, I can honestly say that boys need to be boys as far as sex goes. I used to participate, but it got boring after awhile anyway. Meh, I let it go, decided not to feel threatened but have comperiosn and did my own thing. I decided to trust he still loves me and needed to have nre with his new discovery about himself. He came back to me and it settled down in time.

It sounds to me that you don't really know why he wants you to participate (I wasn't referring to GS's comments, he just inspried me to ask). If you don't know then maybe having some guenuine caring curiousity might help. I'm going with my first thought of turning off the movie, refraining from sex that neither of you seem to be enjoying and talking some of this stuff out. It seems you don't have answers to some pretty obvious questions. Its so easy to jump to conclusions (especially if you are frustrated, fearful, and confused, even disgusted) if there isn't some knowledge. Assuming and having expectations don't really work I find, asking and being curious and welcoming of emotions and vulnerablitiy means getting to the root of issues in order to figure out how to make changes to a situation.
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