Originally Posted by seepage43
I'm brand new here and have only had a relatively small amount of experience in polyamorous relationships (My bi girlfriend in college and I dated a third girl seriously and another casually for several months with no problems), so I was hoping for some feedback from this community on my disposition and how common it is among polyamorous types.
I really enjoyed the relationship I was in in college, especially the emotional aspect of sharing your love for someone with others you love; it's nice to have a bigger team, so to speak. I have two concerns though.
My first concern is that I can't handle cheating, but let me define the word as it applies to me. I don't mind if a girlfriend hooks up with a girl, whether I'm there or not, even whether I know her or not; I can never be a girl for her, so why would I be upset when she want's a girl? I definitely would not be ok if any girl I was with were to sleep with a random guy, as I can be a guy for her and she's choosing him over me, so to speak.
My second concern is in regards to guys. As I suggested above, I'm straight and tend to be jealous. That being said, if I knew, liked and trusted the guy and knew that everyone involved cared for each other, I wouldn't mind sharing emotionally and physically and believe I'd have no problem forming a close emotional bond as well with him, though very different in nature than with the girls (something more akin to brotherhood). I wouldn't be ok with a girl dating another guy separately from me (or us, as the case may be).
So my questions are:
Is it common to have a polyamorous relationship develop as a single group where members only sleep with each other (i.e. it'd be cheating to sleep outside the group without permission)?
Given my attitude toward guys, I seem to have a chicken and egg problem: How could a guy be brought into the group when I think I'd only be ok with the girls attention toward him if he were already part of the group?
Thanks so much, I'm sure you can understand it's a bit to work on internally :-)
It is possible.... polyfidelious.. I think is the word, but don't flame me if it's spelled wrong!
Key points to me would be that you need to focus on building relationships all the way around AND you need to ensure that evryone is on the same page.
This means starting out completely honest of expectations from the outset.
For me and mine, I am madly in love with my husband and with our roommate who has been my best friend for 16 years. Both of them CAN be possessive, but C generally isn't (Maca is my husband). However, Maca quite certainly is.
It has taken gentleness and a lot of effort and work, and respect for boundaries and needs for time to get used to things for us to get where we are, which isn't very far! But it can be done and we are making lots of progress.
I would think that if you work on building great friendships with guys and girls who you introduce to one another and they become mutual friends ALL of this with an open and honest communication about your PERSONAL desires for the future, the rest will fall together in time. Maybe not YOUR prefered time, but in time.