While I do agree that we can't control what our partner does... this learning how to let go of expectations we have of and with our partner can be difficult for some of us, especially if there are other issues like the relationship isn't in great conditon and being far away. NRE has been a bitch for me too because while I understand it, I don't get the loving squeezes to offset it. And that does make a difference, especially when you're someone who is newer to this type of relationship and ESPECIALLY if you're someone who is going into this FOR your partner, and it wasn't really your choice to change directions.
Letting go of expectations hasn't been easy for me, but it's coming. I've had to let go of pictures in my head of what's going to happen. Because it's NEVER going to be just like the vision you have.
I think this comes easier with time and experience, but at some point I realized I needed to not try to retain control of their relationship. I don't have it, I don't REALLY want it, and it doesn't help make it any easier. What makes it easier is working on my relationship with HIM, so that whatever they do is whatever they do. If I'm feeling unloved and not getting what I need, that's an issue I have with him, and he and I need to talk about it and figure out what to do about it together.
I think sometimes people underestimate the courage it takes to go completely against everything you thought and work on your thinking, feelings and everything attached. It's hard enough when you're doing that with something you feel you need for yourself, it's even tougher when you're doing it for someone else. I think that's why a lot of poly people take more baby steps, more guidelines and boundaries until they can see through experience that they're not losing their relationship, that their partner can be trusted, etc. I don't see an issue with boundaries if they're needed. It's like training wheels. Not everybody can jump on the bike and ride. Some people need experience, help to keep them from falling while they gain their balance.
I think you're right in that when you're home you'll be able to get that love and squeezes and be able to reestablish your connection. The military is crappy for putting people in situations where it's REALLY difficult to retain your connection with your spouse, and that's without adding in extra elements.
I would definitely maybe think about seeing a counselor about the anger issues. Not because you need to be "fixed"
but because a good counselor will be able to give you some concrete tools for managing anger. And for clear and good communication skills. All awesome tools for life, and super awesome for relationships.