Originally Posted by Polyphemus
On this forum, do most people have primary and secondary relationships? Or do most think things should always be as equal as possible?
Personally I think of relationships as equal in nature if each person in any given relationship are recieving what they need. But never IDENTICAL.
I tend to have sex much more often with Maca (who is my husband) because he wants it more often and it's a more central part of our relationship. But I tend to cuddle, talk and just ..... BE with C more-because that is more central to our relationship. C and I tend to be more affectionate in general while Maca and I are much much more sexually suggestive in our affection.
Obviously very different dynamic's but I consider them equally important and don't consider ones needs more important than the other.
Ironically Maca tends to be more insecure than C and he tends to be more concerned about what other people see/think. So as a rule of thumb C and I defer to his feelings in those areas, because C is simply not insecure in our relationship and very rarely needs that extra reassurance.
So for example, this morning I was laying in bed with C just talking, cuddling and catching up on a weeks worth of busy-ness. Maca called. He felt anxious. We talked, C was fine with the interuption and played with baby girl while I talked to Maca, then C and I got hte morning started together with the kids and went for our morning walk.
Maca SAID maybe he shouldn't call and interrupt our mornings-but that's silly, he needed to talk to me and needed the reassurance of hearing my voice AND that didn't bother C so it shouldn't be a big deal for him to call me.
On the other hand, if I were laying in bed with Maca I would probably not answer a call from C. First of all it's not likely that it's important, because generally his life is pretty predictable and doesn't require my involvement to keep it going smoothly. But more than that he simply isn't insecure of in need of that contact, so I would wait until I wasn't in bed with Maca to talk to him. Additionally it would bother Maca because he would feel like our time wasn't as meaningful to me as it was to him. That isn't true and again-C doesn't NEED the reassurance so there isn't a point in triggering that with Maca.
NOW that said-it is important to be upfront and allow a person to face their insecurities-so I don't try to pretend that Maca's neediness shouldn't be something he's working on (which he is and he's doing a good job of it too) but I don't try to shove it down his throat either.
So-to me equal, but equal is often quite different.