The scariest and safest thing I've done...
I took a giant leap of faith this morning, trusting myself for the first time in my life.
Last night, we had a friend over and we talked a lot about the situation. He is very monogamous, like me, and in a way argued my case to my partner. I think this really helped her open up more and say things she wouldn't have, out of fear of hurting me more. I learned a few new things, and for the first time in this I saw a flicker of honesty on her face when she told me that I control her relationship with her boyfriend. I have set rules, they have obliged, I have moved them, they have gratiously accepted, been thankful and moved on. The flicker of honesty on her face though, showed how much this hurts her.
This morning, I had a dream where I was drowning in a river (my own metaphors coming back to haunt me) and she was standing on the bank. I reached out for help, but all I heard her saying was "you control this relationship", and I sank deeper. Now, I'm not saying this was a particularly spiritual moment, but I woke up feeling dishonest and cruel. How can I move forward when I have one foot on the brake, and one on the accelerator, both stomping like there's no tomorrow?
The last thing I read on the forum yesterday was the quote "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours, if not, it never was.".
This morning I told my partner I'm setting her free. No rules, no boundaries but her own, she is free to be what she is. I have my own boundaries, and will respect them. Those who have read my earlier ramblings might know the setting of our relationship, the upside-down'ness of it, where my partner experienced deep and true love with him before they even got to touch or kiss each other. In that sense, the scary and truly dangerous part is already out in the open, their deep love. I do however see that I have kept a tether on the bird's leg, and this morning I cut that off. It was the scariest thing I've done so far, and at the same time it has really increased my peace inside, and made me even prouder of myself. I know that for every step from here on in, I can pat my own back, and it'll feel true. And every time my fantastic partner, and her amazing boyfriend says "thank you for giving us this", it'll be true and real, and I can take it to heart.
I know I have soooo much work ahead of me, and much pain, but I finally feel like I'm treating my partner as an equal, truly respecting her for what she is and finally treating myself as her equal. I can in time start expecting things and make demands, as can she. This is now hers, not mine. We had a really good 3some-day thursday, as I have mentioned in another post, and it made me feel hope. It made me want something more out of life.
Now, if anyone can invent an anti-NRE spray, I'll douse them both, so that we can move on. :-) I owe my life to this forum, the help I've received have been amazing, I cannot imagine what this would've been like without you people around me. Thank you!