Alright I'll state again. I've seen men being affectionate in front of me without issue. I've seen them kiss; it doesn't phase me. I've never thought it had anything to do with me. Its two guys exploring their interest in sex with men and how their bodies feel together. THAT doesn't bother me at all but I didn't get off on it either. like seeing a mime performance and learnig there is a school for miming. Not being interested and not seeking out more ways to incorporate miming into my life does not equal thinking miming is wrong gross or immoral.
What I am put off by is the idea of being used as a springboard for him and another guy like I'm a blow up doll in the middle with semi to non interesting parts but useful in the easing of any awkwardness they might have about being intimate with another man.
I'm his partner and at one point, his monogamous partner as he was mine. He was the one who wanted poly and I found a way to accept that. I finally do and now I'm thrown back into the fire of am I good enough? thoughts. How would I ever be comfortable with being dehumanized and used by him and someone I don't love just so they could feel less awkward about homosexual sex? I do not have to be used in that way for him to be with women and I would have just as big an issue, be just as put off by being used that way. Its why I don't have sex with women anymore. I cannot manage their long term needs and feelings so I refrain from potentially hurting someone in a way I see to be gross and off putting. I began to see our little threesomes with women to be very little about who they were as a person but all about this extra body for our pleasure. They would get in their feelings and we barely registered their distress. I should want to be in this position just to nto be called a homophobe?!?
His awkwardness was not something I caused. It was in his teens. Schoolmate judgements and being a target for violence for speaking up as a bi person. He hid it and down played it to me for years until recently. I did not cause his fear of rejection and I don't think I need to become a tool for him to use get around the past. What I do fear in this is that he has been hiding and repressing it for so long that once its all out in the open and accepted I will only then know the truth of how much or how little he has been enjoying playing straight. It is playing on my insecurities in the way many people in poly deal with even with hetero relationships only I don't have the plumbing to measure up. This is making me not enjoy being intimate with him as much as usual and that only causes him to think I'm rejecting him.