Gem, you just described from a female with two males perspective my exact situation (in a male with two females relationship), and seem to be having the exact same issues. I see us talking a lot on here, lol. Maybe Tech should be PM'ing Violet, as she occupies his "spot" in this scenario, lol.
Welcome to the boards, and don't worry - things can and will work out if everyone is willing to put their best into it. Seriously though - read the HMA/Violet/Anne story in the Life Stories & Blogs forum; it's long but I bet some of it sounds awefully familiar!