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Old 06-24-2011, 09:57 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Originally Posted by tenderandreserved View Post
I know he maintains other relationships, plural, but that's all I know. No - I also know he REALLY loves one of the other girls, because he talked about initial jealousy.

I like the guy. A lot. But I find myself with so many questions... I worry about calling him, in case he's "occupied." I imagine some of the women posting on his facebook are ones he's involved with, and they're more beautiful than I am, and know him better. I worry that he's not really into me, but that he's acting on his freedom to sleep around, and takes advantage of my liking him. I worry that he'll get bored shortly, since I'm less attractive and witty, and move on.

Obviously these are silly insecurities. But can some members of this community help me understand? How do I know it's not meaningless?
I have to say, just because he is polyamorous does not mean he is "acting on his freedom to sleep around." Poly and open are two different things and you shouldn't assume that he is sleeping around just because he is poly, has a main squeeze, and might be dating you and others. It could be that he dates to find someone to be more serious with and only has sex with a core few. People have different definitions of what dating is, what poly is, what primary and secondary mean to them, even what safe/safer sex is. So, he could be sleeping around -- but you won't know unless you ask him!

These are not silly insecurities -- you have valid questions.

If you have been or plan to be sexual with him, you need to know how many people he's involved with and what kind of safer sex practices he uses.

The only way to know if you can call him without interrupting anything is to ask him - "hey, what nights can I call?" Simple.

I'm sure you told him you have never been in a situation like this, so he should be receptive to questions. You don't have to act like you are totally together, in control, and "got it covered." Just say, "I really don't know what I'm doing, or how this works. Explain to me what poly means to you." And so on.

Oh, and about checking out the pics of the women who post on his FB, stop imagining which ones he's with and ask him that too! You should know who they are, it shouldn't be a big mystery. Poly is about communicating and being informed. THEN - stop comparing yourself to them. Nobody ever wins when we play the compare game, it's just an unkind thing to do to yourself. He is attracted to you and wants to be with you for you.

But you know, YOU could be the person to move on. You shouldn't let whether or not you continue with him be totally up to him. Be a woman in charge and weigh all the information to make your own decision.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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