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Old 06-23-2011, 10:34 PM
Mari Mari is offline
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Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 11
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I think your heart seems to be paved with good intentions. You know what they say about roads to hell though ?
Yeah I know..

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If you want to NOT stand in judgement, then you need to pull yourself OUT of that specific situation, and sit down with your fellow leaders and members and discuss some policies for the future. Maybe dating within the group is ok, and fine, but you make up and hand out guidelines, for how to handle social interactions within the group/church after relationships go awry.
Specifically mention what the group will and wont tolerate, where to go to for help, and venting, what the group can do to help reduce stressors, etc.
Yeah, that's something that is being discussed. What has come out of this is that maybe too much was expected from people, that it was thought that they understood all that, especially our friend who we have known for 19 years and had been in the group a while back, we thought he'd remember how situations like this can affect a group but maybe we just didn't think or take into account how much he's changed.

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When people are in pain from relationship-breakdown, they dont see very clearly, they don`t see past their own pain. A guideline would help negotiate this while someone is flopping through their misery.
Yes, and we had been there before for both individually but neither could see this.. Also, I do feel that our male friend had definately forgotten this and had not taken into account her feelings in all of this, only thinking of his happiness, but then that is his thing and I'm only judging (I know, my bad) from the outside looking in.

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Do you think, maybe, that the info that was told to your sick/surgery-induced friend, is actually the source of your hurt ? You could be upset that someone you care about, had enough going on, without bullshit drama being laid at his feet.
Our friend isn't sick, sorry to have given that impression - it's just so much at one go... He'd been in the bombings on the underground trains when those happened, he wasn't physically injured but that brought him to a stage where many things fell into place and he is currently going through gender reassignment, he's been on hormones now for a while and is recovering from his first operation. We're all just so happy for him. Yes, I suppose in part we were, we knew that later in the year the operation was going to happen (then it moved to today with him only being told yesterday), and we knew that he was finally doing things as he wished in his life and I suppose it was, yes, know that they were close, but as he said to us, he really wasn't interested in hearing this and on the one hand could understand the "I'm so happy, everything is going so well in my life finally, I've got two women, oh wow" but on the other hand he just really didn't want to know.

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It might be prompting you to not see clearly, how you need to stay OUT of this dynamic.
Oh, I'm being polite but have left them to it. It is their choice what they wish to do with their lives, my only focus is that everyone else is ok and it is clearly defined that should others look at joining that as you said, they are very clear what things can cause issues, then it is their responsibility as adults to take that on board. We've done whatever we can, we were open to discuss and well, let time heal but I don't think others are open to that so we can only try and move on. I do need to remember that we've always said to everyone - your life is your own and decisions yours and probably stop trying to mother all my friends! (It's the Hispanic in me, thankfully I'm not a Mom - poor kids!!!)

Thank you so much everyone for everything and your patience.

Did I say on a plus point I and my other half are spending lots more time talking? We've been talking about the possibility of maybe finding a poly social to go and chat with others in a relaxed atmosphere.

M
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