I just registered, and my intro message is here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=944
I'm not new myself to polyamory (although I've never used the term), but I'm in a relationship at the moment in which polyamory hasn't been an issue. Or rather, hadn't been.
My fiancee (who lives in a different city) knows she has full freedom to explore her sexual desires with others. Until recently she had never used that freedom; in fact she said she wanted to be monogamous with me. Some two weeks ago, at a work-related meeting in a different continent, she was chatted up one evening by a stranger, and despite her intention to be monogamous with me, she chose to go to his hotel room and spent the night there.
She told me about it three days later when we talked on the phone. It wasn't a confession per se, and it was more prompted by me asking her questions than her wanting to tell me (although I don't think she would have kept it a secret). I think she was feeling a bit confused about it, and although I was surprised (and a bit confused myself), I told her that this is what freedom is about, that I'm not mad, and that I hope the sex was good.
When we met in person last week I hoped to hear more about it. After all, it turns me on to think of my fiancee sleeping with someone else. But she didn't really want to talk much at all. At one point she said, "I didn't do this for you and your pleasure; I did it for mine." And of course she's right. But that was also the end of the conversation, and the sex that followed wasn't exactly that great.
So here's the dilemma. My fiancee did something that wasn't against any rules we had set together. It was against her own "rule" or intention to remain monogamous with me. I'm not upset, but should I be? Would she have expected or wanted me to be upset? Is her (alcohol-induced) fling a bad omen for our relationship? How can I turn the negative sentiment into something positive?
Under normal circumstances these are questions she and I would perfectly be able to talk about. But job pressure means we have very little time to see each other or even talk to each other. And then there is what almost sounded like resentment in her comment that she did this for herself.
Any ideas? Should I be happy? Should I be worried?