View Single Post
  #9  
Old 06-23-2011, 06:32 PM
Mari Mari is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 11
Unhappy

ooops, sorry, really, really didn't want to come over either a) judgemental or b) like we're interfering in people's lives.. Really not what we do, ever, and we would never, for example stop someone dating anyone etc. I've probably worded things very badly. My sincerest of apologies for that.

Who people date within or outside the group is non of our business. We're genuinely happy if people are happy and in happy relationships.

We were never and would never inform another person's partner if someone was having an affair - that is their thing to do. Their business. If it is someone inside the spiritual group - again none of our business - it only can become so if it affects things when we're doing a ritual - i.e if focus and trust is lost. It's a bit like at every single service going to church there's the priest being 'somewhere else' mentally and going through the motions, the choir sitting thinking of what they're having for dinner and not doing their job etc etc. If everyone's got their mind on the job at hand - none of our business, you can do what you want - date as many or as few as you want. Nothing to do with us at all. I was going to say that maybe a medical situation might change that, but I can't think of any medical situation where that could be the case in this.. There's no real point in someone being there if they're staring daggers at someone on the opposite side, the person next to them is not sure what to do as they know why this is so but can't do anything because they've been told in no uncertain terms that they can't, and so in turn feel uneasy. Then others who don't know anything at all are loosing their focus on what they're doing as they're in turn standing about wondering what the 'elephant in the room' is. You have to intrinsically 'know' that everyone's got your back. It's trusting and knowing that we're all in this together? If that makes any sense. If there isn't that and you can't trust someone to act like a grown-up, then why be there? It'd be like inviting people that you know full well can't get on to a dinner party and watching them seethe at each other. Not have a full on fight but one of those situations which then becomes really uncomfortable for everyone else there. As a good host, I don't need to know that they are dating or have dated, just need to have some idea - even if it is "I just can't stand so and so any more" then the host either, goes "to hell with it" invites them anyway and works with what happens, decides on who to invite (not necessarily something I'd be happy with as that would almost look to one or the other like taking sides), or say, look I obviously can't invite you both to this, how about it being a raincheck for you both and I'll plan something another way another time? Probably not ideal either but possibly gives them both time to work out their differences if they can. If it's a big party - no problem, its their choice to be at the same venue but have ample space and people there to be able to avoid each other if that's what they want to do, however, if it's a small dinner party and they know that this is an issue and they can't be amicable then why attend? Others then end up hearing about something you didn't want to be originally known.

So, yes, essentially we're not interested in the intricacies of people's relationships, we generally only care if it affects whatever we have going on at the time which might need everyone's focus for at least 1/2 hour. If they can't manage putting aside their personal issues with each other for that time then it makes things extremely difficult, especially if there are only 8 people in total in a place and other times the maximum of about 10.

With regards to the sexual thing about the guy - sorry again for my probably not being terribly clear. I don't care about how much he wants or how many times he has sex, or again how many people -none of my or our business. We really don't care. Obviously he and those he is with are grown-ups and how safe etc they are is their own business, their responsibility. I suppose my concern was seeing one friend feeling pressured too soon whilst he was able to have sex as much as he wanted with the first woman. So, maybe I was being a tad judgemental in that I couldn't understand why he couldn't just wait for the one wanting to go slower. Sadly, he was a dear friend, he has gone through so many changes (yes, don't we all in life), but seems to be doing stuff almost as retaliation to the bad relationship he was in a few years back.

Maybe rather than being betrayed etc what we're really feeling is a deep sense of loss and because it's all so recent and blew up all in one night we're still just reeling from it as everyone knows we just wouldn't go and tell people's partners or tell people you should do this or that - after all, there for the grace and all that.

Oh crap, see, guilty of not being clear and putting forward a different thing and really not realising that by writing things as I did, I was sounding one way..

Sorry if it's offended anyone, just trying to see clear. Hate the lies - I asked the two first ones a while back - 'is there anything between you guys?', not in a judgemental way, just that I'd seen them kissing and initially I just put it down to 1 drunken night - I certainly wasn't 'oh what where you doing?' I saw them, gave them space and just asked in a non-agressive or forceful way, just asked if there was an attraction etc and I was told no, whilst another who would never see them together was told that they were going out together but to not tell me as I'd tell her husband. I just don't know. See, going round in circles, I suppose what I really should do is just leave things as they are and wait and see. We never asked or told people to step away from their spirituality, just to do some of the work that they can do for learning solitary with guidance and to maybe organise some picnics etc over the summer and other events so that others can feel comfortable with them again, and they could refocus. What would have been the situation is that probably sooner rather than later they would have got to a stage of being able to 'work' as part of the team but they just didn't want to take the steps to do so - they were never told that they couldn't contact others or anything like that. We wouldn't do that, we just said that doing things that required 100% of your focus if you know that your focus wasn't going to be there was pointless to attend. If there was a situation where someone was ill, their kid was ill or other things which would affect their focus for specific things, we'd say, hey, stay at home, look after yourself, take care of the kids/family. I just hope that if things come out at home for her with her husband that they can work through things and their kids aren't too badly affected by it.

Really sorry, hard to explain and really didn't want to come over judgemental which I'm not. Must work on my communication skills, been a really wierd week. Our friend who was asked to keep the secret he didn't even 'need' to know has just come out of long surgery and is in recovery from having a mastectomy. It's strange going from what's happened earlier in the week to this which we all worried about but are at the same time blissfully happy that he's becoming more himself and getting there.

Maybe you can forgive my wooliness and general all-over-the-placeness as I try and work through all of this.

I'll go and stick my head in the freezer, have some chocolate and try to find some balance. Sorry once more.
Reply With Quote