New, scared, and isolated
I am a happily married mother of two. There has never been any doubt in my mind that I love my husband and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I met him young and throughout out the chaos of adolescence that point remained the same for both of us. I always say that he taught me how to love myself by loving me so much. I really didn't know that I was worthy of the kind of love he gave me. I am not a perfect person. I have tested that love in the past but I have always been honest and very sorry for my past mistakes. In turn our relationship has grown ever stronger and I am pleased with that. ( I would like to blame the horrors of my childhood for the chaotic mess I can be sometimes but that seems trite so I will simply blame myself).
Moving on, last year I met a girl online. I am generally a very loving and highly empathetic person. We became friends quickly and I found it easy to love her despite having never actually met her in person (there are aspects to this strange relationship that I am not willing to divulge and this is one suffice to say I still haven't met her but she has seen me and I have done my homework on her so all that is on the up and up). So easy it was for me to love her and for her to love me early on in our relationship. I didn't think I was capable of being "in love" her though. I knew that she was falling in love with me. She was very respectful of my relationship but open and honest about her feelings as I was open and honest with my husband how my friendship was continuing to progress. I believe he knew I was falling in love with her before I did. Once I realized though all the love he taught me to have for myself fell apart. I felt a thousand different kinds of wrong that I could let myself fall in love with someone else. I felt wrong that I could maintain the love I had fro my husband and still feel this ever growing love for her. It was hard. It still is hard. He helped me through the worst of it by trying his damnedest to deal with jealousy and show me that I am not an abnormal fuck up. ( It is amazing the cognitive dissonance one has when they have faith. I long ago lost my faith in god but this was a loss of faith in the myth I had built around love. Polyamory was fine and good if that is what your partners wanted but it wasn't for us.)
Continuing on again (sorry about the tangents), I am learning to deal with the guilt and accept this is who I am. I don't know if I technically identify as poly because I have only ever been in love twice in my life. I probably am more a reciprocal lover than anything. F... I might be capable of falling in love with anyone who falls in love with me so I guess that might make me poly. Does it make it any less real if that is the case? I am learning not to think so. (damn these tangents) This hurts and is so f'n scary though. I live in the south and am looking for a teaching job, so it is hard enough coming out as an atheist much less tell everyone that I am in love with two people. It scares me too that my husband without a doubt is hard wired mono. His love for me s such that he doesn't eve find other girls attractive. I am absolutely everything to him. How do I show him how much he is to me? How does my love not feel cheaper when compared to his love? Most importantly how do we ever get past this elephant in the room. It used to be so much less complicated, this love thing. At least I perceived it that way. I wonder if it will ever be that way again.
I get so sacred all the time. I worry than any move I make with hurt someone I love. What happens if this happens to me again. I know I don't want it too but I can't avoid meeting new people. What happens if my gf and I find we are not actually that compatible in person. Will he think the love I had for her was a sham? So many questions and half of them don't make sense. So now I am here and trying to find a way to not let my life crumble before me. Sorry this was so long.