Sage -- we actually did change some boundaries over the years for those reasons. At first we said no relationships/sex in our circle of mutual friends, but it wasn't realistic for us. Right now, what we have is very minimal and is the basic that I need in the relationship.
After talking, it seems clear that this is finally the wake-up call that should have come ages ago. I think also because I have no anger right now, just sadness, that it's been easier to really talk about.
I'm leaning toward asking him to think about counseling and creating some space between us. Although finding a poly-friendly counselor is going to be a challenge. It puts off having to decide to end this or not and concentrates on the process of change. So hard.
"Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within."James Baldwin