Do we try again, but different?
We are a couple (28 bi-female 30 straight male) married, together for 5 years. Awhile back I shared a fantasy of possibly having another female in the house to share our lives with. Boy did he jump all over that. At the time I had no idea what I was asking for. I did research and found Polyamory. I thought this could possibly be for us. I bought books. Read them. Read forums. We started looking for what we considered our "unicorn". Well, it took a few months and then one day it seemed the perfect one just dropped into our laps. We talked, told her our wants and desires, listened to her ideas and thoughts, set boundaries, had a date, got to know each other. #1: she was straight, but open to bi-curious. Everything seemed to happen so fast. One day it was great. The next everything was on edge. The next great again. Then the thing that blew up my world. She already had 2 kids, but she wanted more. Could I deal with that? I wanted kids with my husband. Did I want her to have kids with my husband? It scared the hell out of me. Then I read somewhere that everything could change and sometime through the process my husband could come to love her more than me or vice versa. I can't deal with that. Regardless...the relationship ended due to matters that had nothing to do with us (She moved to California) Current...I am still very interested in the prospect of sharing my bed along with my husband on select occasions or whenever we feel like whatever, basically I think I would like to get into a little swinging. But, my husband is still looking for the special someone to share our lives with. So, now I am scared that just me is not good enough anymore. I am having a hard time finding the words to talk to him about this. I know my sharing the fantasy opened a can of worms that I canít close. I just donít know how to proceed with what we would both be comfortable with. I wouldnít mind sharing certain aspects of my life with another, maybe a really good friend that we swing with, but that does not live with us or want to co-parent. The option of him having his and me having mine is not open; it would have to be together or not at all with me. I know I am stuck somewhere that I am not sure has definition, but I know what I want right now, sure it could change later down the road, but right now this is it. Does anyone know a median that we could explore or advice for where we could go from here? BTW I am still stuck on this most recent relationship we had. I think of her daily, the good, bad, what I would change, what I would do again. I feel right now that jumping into something else would be too fast for me. Itís like after a breakup and you need time to heal before you start again.