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Old 06-21-2011, 06:13 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 495

I agree that you need to ask for you the things you need. I didn't do that for a long time and it just makes things harder for everybody in the long run, most especially yourself. Needs aren't bad things.

For me, if I'm hurting, I will either sit with it by myself and sort through it or talk to a good friend of mine to work through my pain to find the bottom line-- what is it I'm missing, or needing, or wanting. Then, when I find that kernel of truth in the midst of the chaos, I can go to my partner and say "Hey, I realized X was bothering me. I need you to do Y." It's more straightforward, and then I get what I need.

An example of mine from yesterday was that my hubs tends to text and run... i.e. he'll send a text, I'll answer and then nothing... for hours. Mind you I KNOW he and his GF text all the time. I was feeling hurt about it, and sat down to think about it. What I realized is that A) they're in a new relationship so of course they have a lot more to discuss, talk about, learn about each other, and B) most likely knowing him he feels like he's texting and talking all day, he just doesn't discern that it's 90% with her and 10% with me. So last night I talked to him about it, and yes, he hadn't realized it because he's in the midst of all of this stuff. It was my job to realize it, to tell him so he realized it and to ask for what I need-- which is more contact with him in one way or another. I was feeling left out, and I had to ask for what I needed to get it.

I'm still learning as well... but learning to ask for what you need and expecting to get your needs met (at least most of the time) is a good life skill in general.
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