So things are moving in the right direction. Hubs came home for a VERY short stay, LOL, but it was enough to get some loving and hugging and do some talking which was really productive and needed. We also had a little bump on Saturday night when we were out, just a reminder of things we need to work on. It's like over there where he is he's in this fantasy life/vacation world, and even when I go see him there, I'm on vacation and in this fantasy life/vacation world. Real life here is different. There are responsibilities, and old patterns that sneak up on you when you let your guard down. The good part is I think we both realize that and know that they will come up and we will deal with them and figure it out as we go along. You know--work on the issues of the relationship.
On the personal front, I've definitely reached a point where the putting off of doing all the personal work has ended. I can't procrastinate that anymore. And I feel like I have a pretty safe space to do that-- and some good friends to be there when I have my moments. I talked to my friend C last night for about an hour and was explaining the past week and she totally got it. She's gone through her own moments of clarity, and personal change and growth and she realizes that sometimes you lose yourself a little-- or really you have to let go of the "self" you've been putting forth to get to the person underneath. Anyway, she's my sounding board when I feel a little crazy because she can hear it and absorb it, understand it and make me feel safe about it all. And I've found I need to blow out all of the crazy so I can find the nugget of truth and clarity at the bottom of the pile. And that one thing is usually what I need to pass on to hubs, not all the toxic stuff that's hiding it. At the end of the conversation she said that she was so happy for me because I was doing all this great work!
The other thing she said which was really cool to hear was that through all of my things I'm dealing with she felt that I really liked hubs' GF and had respect for her, which is true. I'm glad that came through, even when I'm all unbalanced and struggling. I've been seeing a lot more recently that these issues that come up are not BECAUSE of poly, or BECAUSE of other relationships. They just bring a spotlight that finds and shows us the weaknesses and the needs and kind of forces us to sit down and define ourselves and what we need and want.
Regardless, all of the personal work is emotionally and physically draining. So I'm working on lightening my load a bit. Today's task is finding a gardener/landscaper to get them out to take care of the lawn this weekend, and get someone to come out a couple of times a month to do the front lawn.