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Old 06-20-2011, 01:15 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 1,416

A few days ago Seamus said something hurtful to me. The details aren't very important, but then he didn't talk to me for a few days. I thought he'd need to breathe and left him alone.

Then tonight he talked to me again, told me what was wrong. I told him what he had said was hurtful, and he said he knew, and had meant for it to be that way.
I didn't say anything at the time, as I was still feeling bad for hurting him in the first place, and hurting him enough that he felt he had to get back to me and hurt me on purpose.

Later on, he told me I should stand up for myself more, and that he had been shitty. I told him that yes, he had been. Anyways, I told him never to hurt me intentionally again.

And then we were good again. This whole thing is just for context though, because it made me think of my relationship with Raga.
With Raga, remember, I told you, I became abusive, he was a victim, etc. The more he took it, the less I respected him or myself, and the more miserable we both were.

But Seamus broke that circle. He didn't let me take it. I mean, sure, it was bad of him to hurt me in the first place, I realise that. But it was bad for me to take it too. It's something I wouldn't go around telling people because I don't want to blame the victim, but I still think if I hadn't stood up for myself, if he hadn't caused me to, I would have ended into another vicious circle.
I realise it's important not to have anything abusive in a relationship. But I also understand we're human beings and sometimes we can be resentful and hurtful. If nobody puts us back in our place, it happens again. It's something you owe to yourself to stand up for yourself, but it's also something you owe to the other person, because when you're disrespecting someone, you lose your self-respect too.

Of course, if you stand up to yourself and the other person takes it the wrong way, or remains abusive, then you need to get out of the situation. I'm talking about less extreme cases.

Anyways. It ended up with each of us respecting each other more rather than less. I know he was hurtful, and I know he did it on purpose, but he also told me to stand for myself, and to tell me he had been wrong.
And that can't have been easy. It's always hard to admit you were wrong even if other tell you so, but it's harder if people are letting you get away with it.
I have to admit that it's something I never did with Raga. Always I expected it to come from him. When it become obvious that he had no self-confidence left, I broke up so he could regain it. I wasn't as strong as Seamus was.
And as for Seamus, he can respect someone who calls him on his mistakes and ask him to apologize and never do it again better than someone who would just take it. As he said, that's the person he fell in love with.

I don't know how interesting it is to anyone else. But to me it was enlightening, because I can see how we were heading towards the same problems I had with Raga, but shifted course, and that's a good thing.
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