Poly with two equal partners. For me?
I don't really know where to to begin, so I'll start with some history. I am 26, female, and I have had three serious relationships in my life so far, all for years at a time, and with no breaks in between. My first real boyfriend and I had a pretty good relationship. We were young so we certainly had an immature side, but we were together four years and he was the first person I ever loved. I wasn't looking for anything else, we were happy, but I found myself excited by another guy and I very quickly cheated (he had cheated on me once about a year before, not that it makes it right but I was always a little sore about it) with the new guy. I fell pretty hard for the new guy. He was much older and I was presented with a lot of opportunities, so as hard as it was, I left my high school sweetheart and moved across the country with him. I never stopped loving my first, but since he was so far away, he faded from my life. I remember asking myself at that time if I thought it could be possible to love two people.
Fast forward to boyfriend 2. We had an even better relationship. He was the most mature, loving, forgiving, mature boyfriend ever. He helped me step out my shell in so many ways. He is honestly the most influential person in my life and I owe him so much for everything he has done for me. From the start of the relationship, he requested an "open" one. This didn't end up meaning much for us, we were definitely mono, though maybe a little more open about our thoughts than some mono couples.
Three happy wonderful years went by, and at his encouragement I stepped out of the relationship to pursue a sexual relationship with a friend of mine. This friend and I had the best sexual chemistry. Now, I had great sex with both my boyfriends... but this was different. We couldn't stay away from each other and began to have sex on a daily basis for months. And that's when I started lying. It didn't feel good, but I felt very guilty about how much I enjoyed spending time with new guy. I didn't want to hurt my boyfriend with how much sex we were having. I started spending more and more time with this guy and a very strong friendship blossomed. There was a while where we both pretended we were just in it for the sex, until we could no longer ignore it. I was so torn because I loved my boyfriend and this guy both so much. The new guy obviously felt more exciting at the time, but I felt mentally tortured every day by the thought of having to choose between them.
I ended up leaving my boyfriend for this guy, it was the hardest thing I ever did, because I realize now it wasn't at all what I wanted. The new boyfriend and I really struggled with our relationship. We fought a lot because there were so many bad feelings surrounding us. He knew how important he was to me and felt very sad for what happened to us. He wanted to be with me, but struggled with insecurity issues and felt responsible for ruining his life.
Fast forward to now. It's been two years. The old boyfriend and I are still friends but don't see each other much. Being with him makes me pretty sad. No matter how long I spend away from him the feelings have never subsided. I still cry when I'm alone because I miss him. On the flip side, things are going VERY well with the new boyfriend. We got past all our issues and have a very loving relationship.
So.... during these two years, I have often thought about what might be wrong with me. Why did I love two people? I certainly couldn't talk to anyone about how I was feeling, because I don't know anyone who could relate or understand. I have been in serious agony and gone through some very dark depressing times due to the fact that I knew I was deep in love with two guys. I said it earlier, but it seriously tortures me and I honestly feel like I will never be happy again because of this event. No matter who I choose, I will always be very sad I can't be with the other.
This brings me to today. I have been reading a lot of poly and it has been a little helpful to find out I'm not just a cold-hearted bitch. I am very SERIOUSLY debating being honest and asking my boyfriend to consider letting me have a relationship with both of them. He knows I have struggled with this, he knows I love the other guy, but I still think it would come as a bit of a shock to him, and I know he will feel very hurt at first. He is pretty open minded, so I think he would be willing to listen once he got over the initial shock. I'm also afraid he'll want to leave me for it.
Sometime I feel very positive about doing this, and other times I think about how complicated the logistics would be. Is there anyone out there in a poly relationship with two equal partners? Is there anyone out there with experience "coming out" as a poly to your mono SO. I'm terrified, but feel like I just can't go on with my heart in two places anymore. In my darkest times, I thought about suicide a little just to stop the constant pain.
Anyway, I'd really appreciate any advice I can get on this. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. Thanks for listening!