Originally Posted by marksbabygirl
I work best with the primary/secondary labels because at heart, I like to label things.
He is primary to me, I am primary to him, everyone is secondary to that.
So what would work best for me is a relationship with someone who is similar to me.
They have a life, activities, perhaps other partners and don't need me to be their ONE, their ALL, their EVERYTHING.
I know there's a lot of people in the poly community that feel primary/secondary is a bad thing - but for me, its really a matter of involvement. I'm not looking for (but wouldn't push away) a full time, live in 2nd primary. I'm just looking for someone who understands my life, but has a VERY important part in it.
Perhaps that as easy as finding the mythical unicorn...
Yes, this sums up a lot of how I have always felt. However, it is a uphill battle, I will warn you.
Much like, If you call yourself a 'open relationship' then poly people think : ' Oh, they just want to fuck.'
If you call yourself a open relationship around swingers, they think 'Oh, they want emotions involved.' lol,..cant win.
Much the same with primary and secondary labelling.
Most assume anyone wanting primary/secondary labels want it so, out of protection of the primary relationship. I know for me, that wasn`t where my head is/was. It`s mostly due to what I can offer. I don`t want anyone NEEDING me to that extent. I don`t have time for it. Much like you, life is very busy.
I am most comfortable knowing I have a tertiary role in someone elses life. I use to think secondary, but even that is far to taxing for me.
The other part for me, is that my love really is secondary or less. I love, but its not to the same extent as my husband. I know there is a lot of boo/hiss towards that mentality, but my truths are my truths. I love, and forever it seems, but there is a scale.
I can tell you that even when you are honest and upfront about this, people tend to figure that you just haven`t met the 'right' person.
So,...I can genuinely say, you cannot ever mention this enough. Even if you sound like a broken record.
I`ve talked to a few other people that have similiar feelings, and we have all noticed one trend,..same-sex married persons tend to understand this a bit better ? It may be coincidence, who knows, but experience says that 1 busy-mommy will understand where another 'busy mother' is coming from.
Anyhow, enjoy dating, hope you find the right match !