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Old 05-09-2009, 07:54 PM
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Lemondrop Lemondrop is offline
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Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nikkiana View Post
I think this statement could be taken one of two ways... so, I wanted to clarify what you mean...

I noticed a few people are taking this to mean that you yourself are monogamous and trying to make yourself fit into a polyamorous mold to make the others in your relationship happy... and they were disturbed by the implication, and rightly so I think... Forcing yourself to be something you're not isn't healthy and is going to lead toward resentment....

However, I found myself reading it a little differently... I read this to mean that you feel you are polyamorous and you want to make it work, but there are years of social conditioning from living in a culture where monogamy is the norm that you need to work through that to getting in a place where you feel comfortable.... This is healthy, I think... and it takes time.

I just wondered if either of those boats were the one you found yourself floating in... and Welcome!
I seem to be having the worst time expressing myself! It's definitely option #2. (thank you, nikkiana) I always thought of myself as rabidly monogamous. Social conditioning leads us to believe that if you love a person, they are all you need. I never looked outside of my marriage for love. I was approached by wife #2 and told, "Look, we love you and want you in our lives long-term. We would love for that relationship to be more intimate, but we will take your love however you are willing to give it." They would have accepted friendship. After some soul-searching, I realized that I love them too. My husband, for the record, says he has feelings for our friends, but he doesn't think he loves them yet. He is, however, just as happy as I am in this new relationship, and I think our marriage is better than ever before because we've been forced to learn to communicate more effectively.

I don't believe I would have considered polyamory at all if it were not for these people. I still have trouble shedding the ideas about relationships that have been pressed into me for my entire life, but I am 100% willing and happy to be in this relationship right now. If I weren't, please be assured that I would not be involved, and all of my lovely partners have made it amply clear that they will respect my wishes. Don't get me wrong, this is very, very hard for me a lot of the time. Weighing the wants and needs of three other people instead of one is incredibly difficult sometimes! But the benefits for me have been incredible.

I hope that lays some fears to rest. I'm still new to this whole thing--it's been less than a month since we all decided we would have a group marriage. But I'm doing lots of research and work to make this a long-term relationship, and I'm definitely doing it for me.
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