Originally Posted by AutumnalTone
Once again you're assuming shame is part of the equation. Once again I will point out that it is not and that you'll never understand our position if you insist on that assumption.
It's quite simple: if you and I are involved with the same woman, what she and I do sexually is none of your business. I am *not* choosing to share that intimacy with you simply because you are also involved with her.
Should you ask for any such details, you are attempting to coerce intimacy with me that I don't choose to offer.
Should she speak of such details without my consent, then she is violating my trust and forcing an intimacy on me that I don't wish to share.
I guarantee it's a self-limiting process, for once I find out about such a thing, there would be no further intimacies to worry about.
In short: *I* get to decide with whom I'm intimate. Not her and not you. Anybody who can't understand that isn't ready for a relationship, as far as I'm concerned.
It doesn't have to do with coercing intimacy out of anyone. It has to do with people controlling information with people other than you. What you're basically saying is that someone is required to keep what they do with you a secret from other people. Obviously it would be nice if people cared enough about each other to either not gossip or not react to gossip, but few people are that mature in my experience. That's why I brought up the high-profile examples like Tiger Woods and Arnold Schwartzeneger. Both of these cases involved people who kept their relationships with these men secret/private at first but later decided to disclose them for money and/or other reasons.
A personal relationship isn't really much different. A person who is deeply in love with you might not want to disclose information about you to other friends but when they get annoyed with you for some reason, they might just go ahead and gossip about you. I see people talking/gossiping about each other all the time, presumably without a thought regarding the ethics of disclosing others' information. I think if you told them they weren't allowed to talk about people without their permission, they would take it as you trying to control them unfairly. I'm not saying they're right but I think they have the power in the situation since no one can really STOP them from talking about whatever they know. If you want to restrict your relationships with people you trust, it can be really hard. Just ask Tiger and Arnold.