Originally Posted by blackbird
I tend to feel as if I have no right to be there, when they're together, though M tries to include me by being affectionate, by constantly asking in general terms "how I'm doing" or kissing me gently on the cheek.
I love them both and don't really feel any animosity. But I do feel very alone (i'm not really engaged in any other relationships for now). I'd love to be able to hang around with them in a group, but it's so much harder.
As the third wheel, what should I do?
Since my above linked post, I have come a long way in getting past that third wheel syndrome. It's not completely gone and varies in intensity depending on where we are but it is certainly reduced!
Here is the big thing. Although I may feel alone or isolated in group settings, this is a self generated feeling for the most part. That sense of being a "hang around" to their relationship and that they would have more fun or be more relaxed if I wasn't there is often nothing more than my own insecurities and feeling that I am "less" important and not essential to their lives. This is a projection of how I feel onto them. I also project that the other people around us would prefer if I weren’t there. In poly settings it comes from my feeling of un-acceptance in being mono and the boundaries I have within the relationship. This is not totally untrue in some cases but for the most part is again a fabrication of my own mind. Apparently people do indeed like to be around me for no other reason than they enjoy my company as a separate individual.
You’ve said that M engages you with affection in these situations…embrace that, return that and let yourself feel good in that. M is doing that because they want to!
Redpepper does this to me as well and her husband does too, just in a different way.
At first during our monthly poly meetings I felt so separated because of my nature that I was lost if Redpepper and her husband weren’t talking with me. I felt completely isolated. I’ve come to develop my own independence in these settings and found people I am comfortable with and eagerly engage on my own. Now I seek their company during those meetings because I have an interest in there well-being and we have fun talking. Then we all get together after the meeting and share what we have learned.
Learn to identify as yourself with them
, not as a portion of them through them.
Find your individuality in group settings; accept the affection given you by M….and don’t project!
Hope this helps
Mono….the isolated, separate, community of one, un-included….. I could go on but it’s all self generated bullshit…see what I mean?