Frustrated and not sure what to do now
I need advice. I've been in this a while, so I suppose I'm not really "new" to polyamory, but the situation is very complex and I am not trying to come off as playing a victim or painting the situation in my favor in any way, but I am sort of upset right now, so I probably came off like that anyway. I'm not trying to make my boyfriend sound like a bad guy. Please, please don't be harsh! Thanks in advance, and I apologize for the wall of text.
I am very unhappy. My boyfriend and I have been together since the fall of 2008. He is in another relationship with a gay male (my boyfriend's bisexuality is the basis for their relationship, and I am understanding of bisexuality but I do not feel as he does, that it requires two relationships at once). I am not allowed to date others, but I don't want to anyway. My problem is that I get really upset and jealous of his other relationship. I often blame myself thinking "if I was skinny and pretty and more interesting he wouldn't want to leave me". I can't help these thoughts. The other person is 90 lbs, and I am about 165, a bit overweight. I feel like that is a factor. My weight is usually a subject of teasing (lately he text messaged me pictures of his desserts since I've been trying to lose weight and that...hurt). I feel un-special and like I am only worth half of a person. I know that the other person is treated completely different. I have thought about breaking up a lot, but I don't feel as though this is something I can do. I always feel guilty and as though I'm making a huge mistake and letting him down and proving to him and everyone else what a failure and liar I must be (a liar by saying that I love him and wouldn't leave him, then breaking up that is). He wrote me an e-mail today telling about his feelings, related to my withdrawal for two days (explained more further down). It is very accusatory, but we have talked since then. At this point, I really don't know what to do. I told him I'd try again and find a way to deal with things.
I feel like I was duped into the "dynamic" as he calls it. Initially he indicated that he was single and swears it wasn't really a lie since the other person received the "official" boyfriend title later on. So it wasn't a "real" relationship in his eyes--they were just having sex and going on dates. I didn't know, but when I found out, he cried to me and told me it was over. I found out later that it wasn't, so I stayed. It might sound ridiculous, but I kept thinking it would end and that he would choose me. I was allowed to talk to his friend at one point (although they seemed to tell him everything I said, even in private) about the situation. I was accused of manipulation, playing the victim, lying, and of being molested and having blocked out the memories for being upset by the situation by his friend (although I have never been molested!). I don't feel as though anyone really understands.
His other person is disrespectful towards me whenever the opportunity is available. I've talked to my boyfriend extensively about the problems with this and how much it hurts me, but this never helps much, and usually he feels as though I am attacking him (though I'm careful not to). I am careful not to insult him or the other person when talking to him, intentionally (me and the other person do not talk presently, and this person has extensively used and manipulated and back-stabbed me in the past, as I have tried to get along MANY times before, and my boyfriend agrees that I gave them plenty of chances and that it isn't my fault they hate me so much...they just hate me). They have been given information from him (such as the fact that I cannot have children) that was private. I feel betrayed by this. He says he messed up with that. I don't understand why the other person needs my personal information though...
I am not perfect, so I will list his issues with me, so that it doesn't seem that I am simply whining and "playing a victim" as I have been accused of doing. I am far from perfect. I had a friend who was male who tried to date me. I ignored the warning signs until they were right in my face (stupidly), not wanting to believe them. I cut this friend out of my life as a last resort, although I should have done it sooner. A lot of my boyfriend's friends have implicated me to cheating, but I did not (he has a lot of gay friends who want to date him and so I feel that that is an influence). I did not want to date this person. My boyfriend brings this up a lot, and I do understand that he is hurt by it, but I was not unfaithful. I can't seem to get him to believe me though. Although the entirety of this occurred December 2009-February 2010, it is still brought up today very often. Also, I lied about buying a piece of computer software back in early 2009 (I did not buy it and he wanted me to). The fact that I lied (I admit it and I have explained and apologized many times) is still brought up. I have also put off some very important things and said that I would, waited until the deadline he gave me, and not done them. He says this is lying, since I did not do what I said I would. He says that all of his friends, family, and therapist tell him to dump me for these reasons. I have tried to make up my worth to him, to have him be nice to me (he has issues with anger and putting me down / namecalling, but he is working on them somewhat) and choose me. I have done college math homework and made powerpoint presentation slides for him in the past (sometimes even at the expense of my own or studying) and stayed up late talking to him when he wanted that. I was not there for him 100% of the time, but I did the best I could with that for a long time. Recently I have withdrawn a bit when the insults got too much to bear...but I always feel bad for doing this and we talk about it. His friends and family say he deserves better, and I have even been called abusive by them for the reasons I listed above.
I know this kind of relationship works for people (since there is a whole community behind it). How do I deal with all of the depression and feelings of not being good enough? My boyfriend says he loves me and I believe him, but I'm aware that he says the same thing to the other person and whenever he leaves me for them, I feel like I did something wrong, or he got tired of me. I'm not trying to control him!!...I just feel so depleted, so miserable from this situation. When he goes to be with them, I wish he was wanting to be with me instead...it's as if my head can follow what he says about me not being "enough", but not fully, and the emotional part won't catch up.
I'm not condemning anyone or insulting, and please don't take it that way. I just...can't understand why it has to be this way. Has anyone felt like this before? Is it normal in this situation? Can I get past it? Should I stop talking to my boyfriend about this? When I talk about it, he calls it me "busting his balls". Maybe some poly people do not feel comfortable usually discussing the these things with their partners? This isn't the way I pictured love being for me.
I am not allowed to talk to a therapist about this issue (he is afraid they will convince me to leave him). I also feel embarrassed to talk to a friend about what is going on (but I'm not really allowed to talk to people about it). I don't feel like anyone would believe me. I have looked online for resources on how to deal with cheating (I feel like I am being cheated on and expected to live with it). Am I being unreasonable by being upset? Am I being selfish by wanting him to myself? I cannot influence him to stop seeing the other person (he has said he would rather drop me than change, and "why should I change my relationship with him for you?" to me) Is that okay, or does it seem like he should wait a bit of time when I am upset and spend some time with me?
I feel abandoned and I don't know how to change myself. I feel like I need to. I feel so depressed that I think about suicide all the time because of this. I feel like he's leaving me, and that he'd rather not be with me, but he does come back. It's resurfaced old issues of self mutilation (cutting / scratching) and suicidal thoughts. He told me that his therapist said I must be making up these things though, since I do not document the cutting (I don't understand that). I feel so alone in this. How do I change myself? My outlook? How do I deal with the "sharing" as he calls it? How do I deal with the hostility of the other person?