Originally Posted by Fayerweather
My bf's gf is a very private person and new to polyamory. She said that it made her feel unsafe and insecure to have my bf and I discuss his sex life with her when we were alone together. She said it made her feel excluded and she wanted to keep their sex life private.
To me, being able to ask my bf about his sex practices with other partners is essential to my feelings of security and safety. Also, I enjoy hearing about new and exciting things he is doing sexually. I was triggered by the thought of not being able to find out what I need to feel secure, and had a lot of trouble communicating that to her.
Beloved and I had to work out some similar issues when we started seeing other people. I did not want to give her details about what I did sexually with other lovers because I'm naturally pretty reticent and private about such things and because I assumed that telling her in detail would hurt her. (We did talk about what our mutual rules for safer sex practices are.) I was worried she would compare, wonder why I did such and such with so and so, the quality of my orgasms with so and so versus with her, etc. I also need space to process stuff in my head - which means I hesitate to talk about said stuff until I have a handle on it. (See the Privacy thread for more on this.) So I was generally reluctant to give her details.
However, Beloved needed to hear from me because to her, it was reassuring to *know* what I was doing, rather than imagining what I was doing. She is a bit of an exhibitionist and a voyeur so there was that aspect of it. Telling her made her feel more secure - which I, honestly, don't really get. However, it is true for her.
So what we do is that I tell her sexual practices but not 'play by play' details. I tell her what makes me come with other lovers and how my general desires are evolving.
I don't know if this is of any help to you but perhaps there is something you can use.