I love this thread. It's like listening to my own feelings expressed by others.
Actually, I didn't realize *I* was poly until I saw *other* people were mono
I had always thought that monogamy was about controlling your feelings. I thought it was 'normal' to have a crush, even fall in love, with other people while you are in a mono relationship, and still love your partner. I thought that everybody had to deal with that.
Anyway, for me, it was more about controlling my *actions*, not my feelings, because I'm not capable of that - I feel what I feel. And if it's becoming 'dangerous', you should be strong or avoid seeing that person, right? But what if it's a workmate?, a flatmate?, a member of your friends group? You can't spend all your life running away from your own feelings. Anyway, I assumed every mono relationship was like that: struggle, or cheat.
Then I discovered that some people, for example my partner, are not wired that way. When they love a person, they don't fall in love any more. I don't know whether to be envious or not
But now that I know I'm poly, and I don't feel guilty about my feelings anymore, I don't try to control them at all. Although I should control my actions if the person is not available, of course.
I am happy with my two loves, but if/when one day I develop feelings for someone else, I should be able to tell my men about it. That would make any guilt go away, and I would enjoy my feelings, regardless if they can lead to a relationship or not (according to my/their circumstances).