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Old 06-17-2011, 01:38 PM
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River River is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
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Things have shifted around since I said I don't want to talk about her (M) and I in the forum. Now it feels okay to share here, but with much respect to the particulars -- to she and I and all others connected with us.

Here is the shape of things (and also why it feels okay to 'talk' about it here).:

I'm flat out and utterly, completely in love with M, but I am not attached to the kind of relationship we might have in the future. Or, rather, I practice constant vigilant mindfulness and transcendent love of the kind that burns attachment and overflows. So if we end up being loving, intimate friends who are not also lovers, I'm prepared to be happy about that--though I'm very much looking forward to some kisses about which we've talked, along with the snuggling in a hammock about which we talked.

Did I tell you she sends me poems, and songs! Almost every day! And we have about the same taste in poems and songs. And she IS a poem! I love her so!

In conventional lingo, I've "fallen in love," but the truth is far better than that! I've been kicked around too much. I'm an old dog in love. I've been around the block. I'm becoming graceful at letting go, not clinging, not expecting, certainly not demanding. So any love that comes my way now is held in an open hand, palm open, facing up. What I want to be and do here, with my Darling, is celebrate her the way she celebrates me, and that's about it. I don't know what the future will be and I don't want to worry about it. I want to appreciate her, intensely, as she appreciates me.

Meanwhile, I have thought about walking hand-in-hand with her, out and about. I don't do that much with Kevin. We do that a little. We're not freaked out about the gaze of straight folks. But the reality is, should I have a girlfriend (and that's how it feels), I can hold her hand in public, can kiss her in public, walk arm-in-arm, and we'll just be ordinary folk. It won't attract disgusted or dismissive attention. (One very rarely sees two men holding hands in public in Santa Fe.)

On the other hand, a lot of folks here know Kevin & I are partners and lovers, and some
will do a double take if they see me with a girlfriend, holding hands, kissing.... That's going to be the fun part, if indeed we're headed down this path. I've even fantasized about introducing my girlfriend and my boyfriend to folks out in public, matter of factly. I'd have to stifle grins!
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