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Old 10-11-2009, 12:57 AM
violet violet is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Nevada
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
I didn't think she came across as "attacking". Negative, maybe, but in a good way. It's a good thing to not sugar-coat this kind of advice. If I had advice to offer, I'd probably do it in a similar fashion, especially if I'd had first-hand experience and was trying to help someone else not make the same mistakes that I made.
Thanks for that, YGirl. I don't mean to come across as attacking, but if I do, I generally don't care. Advice - especially about something like this, shouldn't be sugarcoated. Sometimes, realities are harsh. Having been there and done that - both seeing HMA go through it, BEING the one acting that way, and being in a relationship where my partner acted that way, I can't sit by and sugar-bunnies-rainbow my way through it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redsirenn View Post
Well, I am glad that I got a response form you. And I take everything to heart, with a grain of salt, that is.

I did talk to him the evening I posted that latest response on this forum. He responded kindly. He is not exploring anything with anyone on HIS choice right now too. We have an agreement... something both of us decided we wanted to build trust in each other... So, It is not one sided. When he kissed her, he thought about it for a couple of weeks so that when he talked to me he would know what he wanted more clearly. He is building trust in me as well, and based on our last conversation we are still on the same page. He used the words: How can I go outside of this when my home is not organized.

She is at the beginning of a divorce, and since I have read and agree that other relationships DO affect the relationships already in place, AND having been through one myself, this worries me... Also, there is a child in the picture. The timing seems wrong to both of us.

I am a firm believer that life is not fair, and that NO ONE can place a time frame on how long they are "supposed" to feel insecure, not ready, whatever... 3 weeks is virtually NO time, especially for two people who do not see each other frequently due to work, etc. I also don't want to spend all my time with him talking to him about these issues because I need to remember why I am doing it in the first place - that is ENJOY ourselves when we have time with each other, and not be stressed out all the time. If I am not in the same place he is at whatever point in the future, fine. I don't want to rush things or do something unhealthy (react to the fear of losing him instead of doing this for myself) just because of that. I don't want to lose him, but at least I know that I will be moving at a pace that is constructive to me, and that will LAST with me into another relationship.

I am completely aware of how destructive these feelings of insecurity are... Which is why I bring it up... I recognize it. What I need help with is not recognizing it, but dealing with it. I want to know if anyone has any idea how to do that.

The trip - this trip is all about confronting my fears and such. The worst that could happen if we stop to see the OW is that I will get distracted from the real purpose of this trip. It is NOT about Ouroboros. It is about me and moving past something (lots of things, actually) with him so that I don't carry so much from my past relationship into this one. This is already a HUGE deal for me, and I really want to focus on one psychotic issue of mine at a time. This is how I deal. And - I think it will be very good for us.

I want to do this with him because I want to. That's it. It is not based on fear, on trying to please him, or whatever... I want to do it because I do. Because I know already that I operate emotionally as poly... I have always been in some way or another... The thing that we are BOTH realizing is that Theory and practice are 2 different things. We like doing this together because we learn from each other and support each other even when we act irrational.

Does that clear anything up?
Ahh, actually it clears a lot up. It can be hard to get what you mean across to someone - in person, or even harder on a forum. What you've brought up is something else I can offer advice on. I've been there too.

If you look back through the posts HMA and I have made, it's made pretty clear how uncomfortable I was with how fast our relationship with Anne moved. I went from being happy, secure, and rational to COMPLETELY depressed, insecure, possessive, and running entirely on emotions. I started reading into things they both did, I started actively monopolizing the time that HMA had with Anne... we had several conversations about whether or not we should continue to pursue the relationship with Anne or not. There were even some feelings tossed around, mostly by me, on if I wanted to maintain a relationship with HMA! Our whole world went upside down.

HMA and I never argued until Anne came around. We were great at communicating ... until Anne came around. I never read into things, I was always able to stay calm in the face of strong emotion, I was always able to be tolerant, understanding, and considerate of people's feelings - until Anne came around!

It got bad, and fast. It took several drag-down knock-out arguments, several "checks" and come-to-Jesus moments for me to pull my head out of my ass. I wound up right where you are - recognizing what was going on, recognizing my insecurities and emotions for what they were - but being at a loss as to how to deal with them.

I will say the thing that made the greatest difference was getting to know Anne. I mean on a friendship level - the romance came later with us, and IIRC you aren't in a triad. But most of what poly relationships are about, it seems to me, is a SHIT TON of sacrifice. I sacrificed my comfort level to help strengthen their (HMA and Anne's) relationship at first. I sacrificed sleep. I sacrificed time with HMA. It was fucking HARD.

I would say again, read through the Poly FAQ I linked before. There are some AMAZING articles that tell you how to handle your feelings step-by-step. And they say it far better than I ever could. I can honestly say that that FAQ did more for my mindset in a week than MONTHS of "open communication" with my partners and soul searching ever could have done.

I truly wish you all the best.
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