You're right, nycindie, self-compassion is something I need to spend more effort on. It gets buried very quickly when I feel under pressure. And forgetting to show compassion for myself sets me up to make stupid decisions that I will regret.
Polyexplorer, I definitely respect that you've had the patience to work on this for 6 years. I have to say that if I try to get myself to accept my husband's poly life for that long and still can't to cope without suffering, I'd be gone. It would be terribly, terribly hard, but it would be the most compassionate thing for both of us. I don't disagree with his decision or yours. But after 6 years struggling, it may be time to accept that we aren't compatible, and that if we truly want happiness for each other, we should let go.
Just3, I love your conviction.
I miss feeling so sure. I suppose everyone thinks they know what they'd do if they discovered their partner having an affair. But I would point out that as much as you hate lying from your children, you don't actually disown them when they do it. You might wish you could, especially when it's something very bad, but in the end love compels you to try and forgive. I think it's a lot like that, and that may be why more women forgive their cheating partners than men forgive their cheating partners.
Ironically, one of the first people I told about the affair, a long time friend whose convictions about fidelity are very strong, told me a couple of weeks ago that his wife had just admitted cheating. I felt terrible for him, but wondered if the same desire to repair the relationship would kick in for him they way it did for me. I know he loved his wife deeply. Alas, he looks at her now like a completely different person, and the divorce papers have been filed. It's just interesting how differently people respond to this kind of emotional event.