thanks for all the responses. Sorry Im being a little impatient. I guess I have googled the heck out of this & generally the consensus is "omg you clearly don't love your bf if you are trying to get with his friend" of course, this is the population that believes in true monogamy, and is not at all what I believe.
We are not married, both 27 years old. When we started on this venture it was strictly "we have been together so long, we feel the need to discover other people because attraction is completely natural and we shouldn't be ashamed about those feelings". However that belief seemed to lead to the world of swinging, which isn't something we wanted to pursue. We also tried the open relationship concept but that left us with feelings of emptiness and guilt. We were more about developing relationships, which led us to poly. My boyfriend has built a relationship with a woman he went to school with and has known for years. I am very comfortable with her and understand their dynamic. His friend, who knows of our lifestyle as I mentioned, and I would like to pursue something and are very close. The problem is my boyfriend is NOT comfortable with us being that close or perhaps becoming closer. So yes, I believe it is a jealousy thing and a fear of abandonment on his part. I know the rule of taking things very slow, we have for the past six months while going on this journey. We have very open communication but this has been somewhat of a problem only because I know where my feelings lie and I believe I am going to get a stark "no, not him" from my boyfriend. & if that is the case, how is that fair?
I want to approach this but from what I have seen so far, my boyfriend doesn't seem comfortable with the idea and would prefer me not to have relations with this man. I guess I am at a level where I can understand the way love works and the way relationships work and that everything can be taken from a mature, adult standpoint, but maybe he is not. I of course do not want to make him uncomfortable but these feelings are very real and I dont think it right to just put them aside.
I suppose the other part of the puzzle is this friends ex is one of my friends. So that is an even bigger issue because she has no idea what is happening.
This might just be a bigger mess than I am willing to pursue, it just seems entirely too complicated to make work. Perhaps I just answered my own question...