Thread: Hiding pain
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Old 06-16-2011, 11:43 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by sinew View Post
the idea of setting boundaries still fills me with dread. How do I select which things I'm supposed to be accepting and which I'm not when I can't promise not to be upset by any of them? . . .

I'm working to overcome bitterness about the affair, a lifelong problem with jealousy . . . And I know they don't want to wait that long, so we're all going to have to learn to live with pain somehow...
Originally Posted by sinew View Post
. . . while hiding it isn't right, becoming too attached to my pain is also something I need to watch for.

. . . I have a lot of fear wrapped up in the idea that I won't be able to truly get on board with poly before his patience runs out
Originally Posted by sinew View Post
Charlie wants me to get better . . . I suggest things like schedules and boundaries, and he says it's too complicated (which is probably true). What I really need to do is to "come around" to poly, and while he wants to give me time, he also doesn't want to hear that it could be a long, long time.

. . . I have tried like hell to decide to want poly for my husband, and it just doesn't work that way. It makes my heart ache in ways I've never felt before . . .
The thing that strikes me most about your posts, and especially the passages I've quoted above, is how much you keep seeing your process as a problem, as if you're not getting it right or good enough, and how bad you feel that you aren't able to give Charlie what he wants as quickly as he wants it. I think more compassion for yourself is in order.

The fact is that Charlie took what he wanted already, had his cake and ate it too, dishonestly, and just because you are agreeing to consider poly doesn't give him license to have a tantrum because he wants you to move more quickly. This is a trauma you are recovering from. I feel that Charlie should be doing everything he can to earn your trust again. He needs to really see the beauty of your forgiveness and how much you have given him already just in that. If he and Juliet have something so great, it can wait for you and Charlie to repair what broke between you -- but HE has major work to do on the relationship he has with you. It shouldn't all be up to you.

That being said, I really like your comment about being watchful for those moments you become attached to your pain. This is such an important awareness. It's like how a kid learns to get attention (bear with my analogy): kid falls down, scrapes his knee, it stings a little. He whimpers a bit, then starts to get up, only to realize that none of the adults around him noticed. Wants to be fussed over, so gets back down and starts to cry until someone comes over. With all the attention he receives, kid starts focusing on his boo-boo and now it really hurts! This establishes a pattern of making some noise/creating drama and developing an attachment to pain to get attention. The kid, now an adult, still does it automatically, in some fashion, in all his relationships -- until he becomes aware. Then he has a choice.

The fact is that pain ebbs and flows, and real organic emotions rise of their own accord. When we dwell on certain thoughts over and over, we can manufacture emotions and hang on to them -- and doing that is a manifestation of attachment. It's good to look at our motives. The trick is to honor our process and know that sometimes it will feel like you've moved on, and then other times there will be sadness or what-have-you, but you need to find a balance between having patience for yourself and not giving into self-indulgence. This is a big challenge for myself, personally, as well.
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Last edited by nycindie; 06-16-2011 at 11:52 AM.
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