Sometimes it's hard not to feel like an asshole.
Dear Catfish, Dear Rarechild,
In the time and space before we broke ranks with the usual and set out on this journey together, I took you as my Friend, then when I let you in far enough, I called you Sister, I called you Brother.
I call you this even now, because it is not a title or a role, it is a feeling.
It pains me sometimes when I remember how we coexisted in your house together as comrades, and how difficult it is for us now to even move in the same space together. That we have grown closer while simultaneously driving a gentle wedge in our relationship I think is true as well.
I too, dear Catfish, have not felt the freedom to speak my hard thoughts here in this forum. I believe I was waiting for the difficult conversations to pass between us before sharing such things, even in this safe place. I guess I thought I was being patient and allowing some room for breathing, when in fact I may have simply been being negligent.
And too, to you Rarechild, I feel in this way I have been lax in my communication. Where you have been so strong and respectful of the privacy of your loves, wrestling your own struggles, I have struggled with finding the right questions that would satisfy my heart but not ask that you betray boundaries which are not mine to cross.
I have know way of knowing if my words will calm or harm, and I will not be so pretentious as to think that am able to be totally objective and offer any advice. I wonder if maybe it's none of my business, but then, of course it is, as you are my family and I love you. Even as I fear speaking out of turn or saying a wrong thing, I can only say what is in my heart, right here and now.
I have learned and grown enough to know that, in regards to your troubles, I should not be so vain as to think that I am the causing of it all. I am nowhere near that important. That years between you have preceded me is certain, but I am implicit in this struggle where it stands today.
We three each knew we were putting our relationships to each other on the line the minute we agreed to set out together. For my part, I am stuck with my personally quotidian struggle: I never want to break anything and I always want to fix everything.
I have seen you hurt before, as you have seen me. We have had the advantage over many in our chosen life because we have had the time to witness faults, frailties, and fuck ups. You both have seen me struggle through two relationships, one that brought me into your lives, another that took me out, if only for a time.
Would that I could hug you both right now, hard.
Quite plainly, I want to see you TWO happy together, enjoying each other, past this gristly moment and holding hands. And yeah, I have selfish reasons, as always. I take pride in knowing we THREE are healthy, and any illness in a family is bound to get passed around.
On the eve of your anniversary, I gently, if selfishly, ask you both to consider
doing something for me:
Allow me to step back for awhile.
I will still be here, as always, patient and kind as I can be. Unlike prior experiences in my life, this is not me pulling away: This is me holding onto love lightly, as I have learned to do. This is me asking you two to go frolic in a field, romance each other, get out of the house and not consider, even for a minute, me or my place in your life.
That this "V" is physical and emotionally intense at each end goes without saying. It is anything but casual. How could we ever have know what it would look like or how it would feel in practice instead of theory?
Rarechild, I will continue to love you in the best way I know how, through everything, just like always. Even as I know you will understand, I still have to ask: Will you understand if I take the time to breathe on my own, without subconsciously holding my breath waiting for the chance to run around you in circles?
Catfish, would you understand if I told you that I still cannot accept anything that is not given freely, and though both of us know that Rarechild's love is her own to manage, that I feel there is a price being paid and I'm not sure by whom?
Do you understand (of course you do) that I did not pick your tattered names at random from some shiny hat? Quite the contrary. As it were, the Universe shook out its weathered chapeau and your brilliant, glistening selves landed on my head.
A little rain, says the man, never hurt no one.
I love you both.
Last edited by Charlie; 06-15-2011 at 10:23 PM.