Originally Posted by Bangel
I have a question, is it not a choice to put yourself in a position to fall in love with someone? It is not like it happens overnight. You feel your self connecting to someone, becoming attracted to someone. It seems that you have a choice to put yourself in that position. Is it that Monos are more sensitve to this happening and polys don't until it is to late and they are in love? Or is it that Polys get a rush from this feeling and choose to alow the feeling to overcome them. I know from my personal experiences that I will remove myself from a situation if I start to have these feelings, not that I cut all ties with someone but I will pull back and look at the situation and decide that this is not what I want and I do not want to hurt my partner. Don't get me wrong I have Friends that are girls that I care for but I keep myself under control as to not fall in love with them or the love I have for them is not romantic in any nature.
I have spent my life pulling back from people to avoid feelings. Now 20 years into my marriage, I only have one close friend (and not really anyone I would want to sit by my side if I was in the hospital, other than family). It's not that I even wanted a "romantic" relationship with others, I just felt that I wasn't supposed to be that attached to these others, so I kept everyone at arms length, after all I was only "supposed" to have these feelings for my husband. It's a very lonely, empty way to live and feeds unhappiness and resentment.
My husband has a strong emotional attchment with a lady (non-sexual). He did not go out looking for this, it just evolved over the years. I had the feeling of being replaced and no longer necessary in his life. This was not true of course and now I can see where we both have very different things to offer. I am no longer under the preassure to participate in things I really don't enjoy doing and at the same time I know there is someone there to look after him in my absence.
We are not in a place where sex with others is even an issue yet, I'm sure that will bring to the forefront a whole new set of issues for both of us.