Thread: Privacy
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Old 06-15-2011, 04:03 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

My ex and I used all the same passwords for his emails and mine, shared bank accounts, etc., and never hid anything from each other. However, we never went into each other's stuff without asking first. After 10+ years, I still don't know what's in his box of stuff that's still in my closet. Even with my permission, he would not go into my handbag to get something. I never once looked through his wallet or drawers. We chose to trust each other and respect each other's privacy. We lived here in my tiny apartment, and had to give each other space or it would feel like we had no autonomy. For a long time, he would get up earlier than I did and meditate in the living room. Once I had a job that I had to get up earlier for, and he felt that was a real invasion when he didn't have his mornings to himself anymore.

Truth is, I've never been a snooper in any relationship. I think I'm a good judge of character, and if I get burned, it's more because I wasn't observant enough in our communications. People need privacy. I guess some need more than others, but that is one reason why I see no appeal in a poly tribe all cohabiting - I like alone time and space to be myself, without people feeling like they can just insinuate themselves inside my boundaries without permission.

Maybe my living in a large city also has something to do with it. Personal space means a lot when you're always surrounded by other people. I admit, though, it would be harder not to want to snoop if I were burned by cheating or theft. Still, I couldn't go snooping without feeling guilty about it or like I was crossing a line that is there for a reason.

As for the background check issue, I don't know - that seems a bit different to me. I am still getting used to online dating and the whole thing still scares me to some extent. On one hand, I understand why women would want some sense of security but I don't know that a background check can really filter out potential serial killers. And it's usually all public information. But on the other hand, there are other ways to feel secure. Hopefully by the time I've learned someone's full name, I've gotten a sense of him. Burnsy and I have been communicating for a month now and he still does not know my last name. We've got this great connection going, but of course I've googled him, and I will still meet him in a public place (before I bring him home and have my way with him).

Maybe the guys who balk at background checks perhaps cannot relate to how much safety is such a big issue for women all the time. I was recently contacted by a guy on OKC who lives about an hour outside of the city and he complained that women in the city never want to go where he is to meet. There is no way, until I get to know someone, that I will travel out of my local area to meet them. Guys seem to forget how much safety is an everyday issue for women, and meeting people online is such a gamble that it is only common sense not to venture out of familiar territory until there is a sense of knowing that person and feeling secure. Hell, I won't even go to Brooklyn until I know and trust someone. Like I said in the other thread, a woman I used to work with told me she background checks every potential date she meets. I've never done it, don't know if I could, but I understand it.
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Last edited by nycindie; 06-15-2011 at 04:15 PM.
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