Thread: Hiding pain
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Old 06-15-2011, 12:04 PM
polyexplorer polyexplorer is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2010
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Hi Sinew,

I just read all the posts in this thread and related to alot of it.

My wife sounds like she is similar to you. She needs lots of space to process her emotions and because of this can tend to repress it as well or struggle to tell me. She has not wanted a poly life. I have realised that I have always been poly but have lived a mono life with her.

She is trying to be OK with the poly life, but she gets very emotional. I can tell it really hurts her. This makes it very difficult for me to truly engage in this life because naturally I don't want to hurt the love of my life. But the longer I keep waiting and not living what I consider to be an authentic life for myself, the more I am hurting too...

So we seem to be stuck right now.

The difficulty that I have with her is that I feel she has not TRULY decided to change her belief systems around poly and therefore does not support poly. I think she feels forced into the decision because she doesn't want to lose me.

Grounded Spirit said in one of the earlier comments about belief systems. I think there is alot of truth to this. Perhaps Charlie and Juliet sense that there is more than just emotions coming out, maybe they feel like me that you have not really chosen poly???? In fact, just the other day my wife said she feels like she has dipped her toe in the water with regards to poly, but not dived in. That's exactly how I feel about how she is!

For my wife and myself, it means that I don't feel like we are on the same page. It means that it is very hard to move forward and it is difficult for me not to resent the fact that she has not been able to make a full decision here.

The question here then is, how does one come to a point of diving in, not just dipping their toe in? I don't think it's a case of just clicking our fingers and saying OK, I'll jump in. The depth of emotions involved is too complex for that.

How does a mono person who has not signed up for a poly life make a decision to fully support and dive into this life (without it necessarily meaning that they live a poly life themselves if they are truly mono)? If I felt like my wife had made this decision and had dived in, I am convinced that things would be different for us, and the painful emotions we experience would not be nearly as intense...
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