I feel really fucking lost and unable to cope with the jealousy I feel. If things continue this way... they can't continue this way. Not even one more day. Our six year anniversary is days away and I'm inches from moving out to get myself away from this situation. RC is as exhausted by all this as I am. All we ever seem to talk about is how horrible I feel at the thought of her with Charlie. I have felt like this forum, the one bastion of free speech we have in this crazy entanglement, is off limits to really say what I really feel. None of my resources, not my friends, not you lovely people, not my wife, not my therapist.... no one has been able to steer me in a direction that brings a lasting peace to my heart. I've done the diving. I've felt my feelings fully. I've done so much fucking work, but here I am. Paralyzed by it. Unable to love or feel loved. Unable to choose whether to stay or go. Devastated by the fact that I'm even considering going. Alone. Is there even a single soul out there who knows what this feels like? To feel like I've created my own demise? Encouraged my own fears to become reality? Fuck. I am not nearing the end of my rope. I'm there.
Concern yourself less with love and more with loving.