More Bridges to burn....
Moving on is hard. I know that change is needed and wanted but how do u make changes when this is the way it’s been for as long as u can remember?
I have asked Rane to balance her time and affections between both me and Draco. It gets better everyday but I know it’s gotta be hard for they are in the honeymoon stage where all they want is to be together. This I completely understand for there are still days when I need to be so close to Rane it feels like my skin is going to peel off if I don’t touch her. Those days are hard on Rane. This I know.
What is it to balance your time? On paper it’s easy. But in reality it’s hard and we are all working on it. The days seem to pass at a good pace now. Where before they would crawl. I have learn in the last two weeks to value the one on one time I get with Rane. Enjoy the time with both Rane and Draco. Understand that they need and want one on one time and it’s ok for it doesn’t mean I am not loved or needed. Just they want to be alone for a bit.
After talking out alot of thoughts and feelings with both Rane and Draco I know I need to work harder on changing.
I need to work on my feelings of jealousy and my fear. I am working on it. Most moments I am good but today I am jealous of the time that Rane and Draco will spend together tonight. For I am still feeling like a second class citizen. I have talked to the one that has been treating me like that and it has stopped.
Last Monday was a day of fear, pain and demons and ghosts. I was told at work that my hours would be cut to 20 hours a week. Scary for I have been working 35-40 hours a week. I owe money to several people and feel bad about it.
An ex girlfriend was on my mind last week alot. I know in my heart that If she called and asked to see me I know I wouldn’t go. Would I be a friend, yes that is who I am. She broke me and I let her. She doesn’t haunt my dreams/nightmares any more and hasn’t for 4 years now. I find peace with Rane.
I am working on being comfortable around Draco but there are days when I can’t do it. When the days come I need to speak up instead of shutting down. But how do u tell a person that u can’t be near them today for u are feeling so insecure about yourself that u will cry at any moment?
The lights have been out for I have not been thinking with my head. I have been letting my demons and fear tell me how to feel. So Monday was a horrible day my hours at work were cut, i am stressed out about money and I was thinking about Ali and just wanted to be hugged and told it would be ok. But I wouldn’t ask Rane or Draco for it was their first date night.
After two days of letting it eat me alive I started talking about it. Rane always say ‘I am not a mind reader. U need to tell me’ this is something I am working on. I talked with Rane and then talked to Draco. Just one on one. So after all that I felt better. Rane and I talked about Ali. And I know she is never going to call so I need to let go so that will be one less demon eating at my soul. God knows I need that. I have found something that I would like to do as a hobby and today I talked to an old friend. It felt good not the same as it was but good.
Draco is coming over tonight and for the first time in a week or so I am happy.I have been feeling good for the last two days. I have had lots of one on on with Rane. Working on how I feel about my relationship with Draco. I am feeling better we have sorted some things out. There are still miles to go. I love Rane with everything I have and am. I am starting to think of our relationship like a fountation. The wind blows and we sway by still we stand. The sky opens up and rain falls, lightening strikes, thunder rolls, still we stand.
I am learning to swing a flogger as well. That will be my hobby. It will be a good hobby.
Its been a weird/rough few days. Rane had two deaths in her family so I am thankful that Draco was here to be with Rane when I couldnt be.
I am working on learning how to swing a flogger. I am working on personal growth. I am working on my relationship with myself. The feelings of jealousy with Draco have only come out twice in the last few days , which is better then two weeks ago when they where all the time. I am working on finding the positive things about the day and letting go of the jealousy. Which i will be the first one to tell u is hard.
I went for my weight in at the clinic yesterday. I weighed 328lbs in april and now i weight 310lbs. I am proud of that. But today i know my liver is out of wack. I dont feel like myself. I am do tired, my eyes are turning yellow. And i just feel off, i have eaten alot of beef in the last week. Plus the stress of work, my relationships, and of course money. So i need to get mysel under control and fast or there will be more problems then just our relationship...