Originally Posted by redpepper
So far I have noticed three things:
- Mono relationship structures tend to be more about ownership and control of partners and partnership.
- Mono relationships tend to put "the relationship" on a pedistal of what is accomplished rather than "the individual." The individual effort, pride in personal work and being/acting individually seems to be more important and necessary in poly.
- In mono relationships their tend to be the belief that love is scarce and we should all be holding on to it rather than love is abundant and found everywhere as in many poly relationships
I think these are over-generalizations which really make monogamous relationships sound super fucked-up and less evolved than polyamorous ones. I know (hope?) you don't mean it that way, but YIKES! There are plenty of healthy, nurturing, loving-beyond-belief monogamous relationships in which the individuality of the people involved is appreciated and encouraged, without codependency or possessiveness.
Popular culture might encourage a sense of ownership, but actual experiences vary widely from that.
I think possessiveness is a quality that a person has, not something inherent or required in a monogamous relationship. In fact all these things in your bulleted list I see as more "people qualities
" than relationship qualities.
If I were giving a talk like yours, I would start off with what makes a healthy relationship, and show how both mono and poly relationships can have all those elements. Then branch off into the differences, the main one being -- simply -- that poly people attempt to cultivate more than one
loving and healthy relationship, and therefore, there are challenges in keeping our "heads above water," so to speak. I would focus on how the challenges
of polyamorous relationships differ from monogamous ones.
Because really, mono and poly relationships all have many of the same goals, such as (for a start) to nurture and support the ones we love, and to build lives together.
Maybe you can do some research in real life and do some informal interviews of monogamous people in your community! I would post an ad on Craigslist or something, come up with about five or six questions, and have people sit down with you at a Starbuck's to answer your poll. Get a sense of what people have going on in their lives, ask them what their "philosophies" on monogamy are, and uses some of that info for your talk. That could be fun! Oh my gosh, I want to do that in NYC.