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Old 06-14-2011, 07:29 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 497

Mag we do physically see each other more than that. We just haven't been "good" in years. All of the work we've done between he and I that has gotten us into such a better place has happened in the past 3 months while he's been gone. Before that there was a total emotional distance, as in we'd both be home but be in separate rooms doing separate things. :-/ It really sucked and for a while I felt like our partnership was over and we'd move on to separate places and maybe still date and be in each other's lives but in a different way.

While he's been gone on this deployment, he came to a lot of his own realizations about what has been going on between us, what he's been doing and what he wants. It has actually been an amazing thing to watch, and totally unexpected for me. So that part has been lovely, and it's been hard because we've finally grown closer, I feel safer to be myself, and we are making great strides in all the work we didn't do all of these years-- and I am so far away it doesn't feel "real" to me. It feels like a promise of something I get to have in the future, but don't right now and I've been craving it for years so it's so hard to wait. Now that i say that I feel childish, LOL. It's like waiting for Christmas when you haven't had one in a couple of years. I seem to have no patience for waiting.

I'm also having my own little issues with myself. yesterday I was at work and I was getting my stuff done, and doing a little googling on "finding your happiness" and "trying to be independent within a couple relationship"-- because I feel like these are the two issues I need to work on for myself. I have way too much of myself and my happiness wound up in my husband. Now, I love him dearly, and don't want that to change, but I have to have my OWN happiness. I have to have my own life that he is a part of, not have him be my life. And I hadn't realized until very recently that I've been spending ALL of my time and energy and mental capacity either worrying about stuff or trying to fix stuff. I actually don't know what to THINK about if I'm not focused on that. And I don't want to focus on that stuff anymore. I want my brain to stop sometimes, and sometimes I want to think about something besides my relationships (kids included).

What does that leave? LOL. i'm joking, but not. I really found myself at a loss yesterday as to what to start focusing my thoughts on... kind of disturbing.

Anyway, so the good news is hubs is flying in for the weekend. Just a couple of days, but I can't wait to just feel his arms around me. Just for a little bit...
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