Originally Posted by redpepper
Complete trust is just not an option again after cheating I don't think. I wish it were, but I don't think its necessarily wise... at least not for me. That innocent and vulnerable connection is precious and very delicate. I don't believe that innocence is ever achieved again in a relationship where their has been a partner cheating on the other
I totally agree with you here RP.
You can't recover loss of innocence or illusions. I think I was alluding to that somewhere. And THAT is part of maturing / living. And I hate it (that loss of innocence). I hate that it can turn us in a general direction of pessimism. But it is what it is. The only thing we can always trust is that when push comes to shove people will "generally" act in their own best interest - not ours. There are fleeting exceptions to that, but if you don't want to be let down/hurt/ etc you're wise to expect it. If it doesn't happen it's like a surprise bonus.
Where we're talking about 'cheating', I feel it's best in any relationship to "expect" a partner to avail themself of an opportunity under the right circumstances. In other words - for that to be the expectation and the 'norm'. Because that's a lot closer to the reality of being human than to 'expect' fidelity.
Originally Posted by RP
...........I think that allowing people to stew in their anger is part of grieving and necessary to move on. One can move on from the anger etc. of someone having cheated on them but still rise to anger when they think about the incident... the protection comes in from experiencing it and knowing how to handle it next time.
I don't think anger, hurt and pain are negative.... they are useful in getting us to a place we have never been before and make us realize we need to protect ourselves from that person in case they do it again.
The negativity comes in when a person is always angry, always hurt and never trusts anyone again. That person might never do it again, and might even be forgiven, but it still happened and the emotions that come up with that have every right to be their if it helps in keeping a person safe by remembering what it felt like to be cheated on.
The anger issue - especially carrying it - is kind of a topic all in itself.
I'd say we'd have to agree to disagree on this.
I don't believe there's literally anything positive about anger - at least more than fleeting - because it is a natural emotion. It's an emotion that can -and does - destroy people and everything else around it.
At the bottom line, anger basically means we don't TRULY UNDERSTAND something. When we do, it just becomes another fact of living that loses it's emotional hold. We tend to put the facts/actions in their proper cubby-hole, are watchful for them in the future. Just integrate them into our filter system.
Anyway - like I say - a topin in itself.