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Old 06-14-2011, 12:07 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by idrider47 View Post
Why in the world would a poly person leave a loving relationship for another when they could have both, or get caught up in comparing or somehow ranking relationship. I completely agree with the thought to just enjoy all relationships for what they are and leave it at that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Xared View Post
. . . there still seems to be a ranking system a lot of the time. Personally, I prefer to describe relationships as "different" rather than rank them, but it does kind of fall into that pattern despite my best efforts. Even if I can avoid ranking people, I still get it on the other end.
Yeah, you will see lots of references to primary, secondary, etc. Many (but certainly not all!) poly people do rank their relationships, but my understanding of that philosophy is that it's not based on a any criteria of who's "better" or more... something???..., but rather the amount of time or investment there can be given to that relationship. I think it's the relationship that is really ranked more than the person, if that makes sense. Sometimes a relationship cannot be primary simply because it is long-distance, for example. For many, I've learned, the primary person is a spouse with whom finances and child-rearing responsibilities are shared, and the other relationships are called secondary or tertiary based on the amount of responsibility or some other significance that puts the primary as being central.

Personally, for me, as a solo person living on my own and desiring to remain independent, I am dating and hoping to meet a few guys I can establish ongoing relationships with. I realized recently that I really don't care what designation I have been given by them, as long as I am treated with respect. If someone considers me a tertiary because we can only get together once a month or even less often, fine, as long as when we're together, it feels like I have his full attention and we are fully enjoying the moments we have together. Of course, that will be easier when I have other relationships with which to occupy myself. Right now, I'm taking it a step at a time. The guys I have been dating since embracing poly, and those I hope to continue seeing now, are so different from each other! And although each engenders varying responses and levels of excitement in me, they are all equally as important to me (not that there are that many right now, but I'm thinking about several guys whom I dated recently as well as some new "hopefuls" ), so I prefer not to use any kind of ranking system or hierarchy when I consider them.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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