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Old 06-13-2011, 09:15 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
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Thanks all. While I see little reason to continue on with him, I still am. I know, *eye roll* I like to make myself go crazy sometimes. The thing is that I love him, enjoy his company and think that there is a nugget of something worth it some how. still.

I actually wrote a TON of replies to him and had a really good vent. Then didn't send them. I talked about it a lot and went over it a lot. PN helped me a lot with this as did Mono, but PN really laid it on the line for me in a way that made me realize what was going on for me. He read his email, went over every bit of info I got and came up with a really plausible version of what is going on for Leo, that made complete sense and made me feel the fool actually...

I had a good cry over it in his arms and it was very releasing. I got to talk to Ari and Pengrah about it too this weekend and they graciously listened to me... every time I talk about it, more is worked out.

Having slept a bit more, having the show over, and the business subside, I can now take the time I should of to really figure it all out. Again...

I think that largely my lack of trust comes from me. There are several things at play; my past experience, my desire to be closer that won't be realized, and my lack of understanding him due to little communication. I THINK that for him he has enough from me, he has enough in life, he doesn't want to push himself or try new things and gets pissed off when I suggest it. He likes his bubble and lives nicely in it... I don't value living in a bubble and instead value pushing my comfortableness to see what comes from it. I feel uncomfortable now and have decided to use this experience to see how much I can pull back from the connection I have with him and be okay. I invest A FUCKING LOT in people and when they don't, I find myself hurt and want to run away. I'm not going to run away, but try and back out this time... just to see what that feels like. Its practice. I am using him for practice That sounds so bad doesn't it? I await his thoughts on all of this, and will relay them later, I think...

The show was fantastic this Friday. Burlesque Bonanza went kaboom! It was a really long show that was a real mix of talents. I was really pleased with it. I am beginning to make some friends that want to do numbers with me now as the number I did with four other women went really well. The prospect of doing something with others as a troupe, is really exciting. I have a bit of a fear of women that I hope to get over through this. I'm trying hard not to invest everything in them as I usually do.... trying to keep an arms length and not get in too deep. Man that's hard when I'm so excited to be around them.

I met another Dom woman from a neighbouring town last week on FL. It turns out she was in the show too! Talk about good timing. I so needed to find a mirror to look into in another Dom woman and there she was. Her and I talked a bit and conversed on line too. I am trying not to be too excited and bombard her with questions and attempts to relate, so I'm playing it cool and seeing how she responds. My immediate delight was that she is not a hard ass bitch type or an unapproachable control freak, but a woman like me; confident, funny, has a presence that others light up around and is smiling and unassuming. Heh, didn't know I thought of myself that way! I guess what I'm saying is that I LIKED HER! It made me like myself more and feel like I had a place within my own skin. *Phew* I so needed that.

I am lovin' up my Derby girl today as she is struggling to keep her head above water with her hubby on crutches. I was hoping we could find some time together this week but schedules aren't matching up. Next week... hopefully things will settle more. I am hoping to sneak in an "at work" coffee date if nothing else.

Mono and PN are great. PN is a writing crazy man again. He has an article coming that is making him high on life right now. I love when he is feeling like that. Its like he had NRE! Compersion abounds!

Mono has been helping our friends out with bike stuff lately, and he seems to need some down time. I am hoping he found some last night. He needs tons of down time. I am trying to convince him to come with me to see the second to last game of the Stanley cup tonight as none of us know any hockey fans.... believe it or not. He has half agreed to come and have a beer at a local pub for the last period... I dunno. I might just go it alone
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