Originally Posted by River
Which is why, I think, we should hold more bun dances. Dancing our buns we can learn to eradicate illusory scare-city.
What's a bun dance? Is it shaking one's booty? I love doing that but have yet to achieve greater comprehension of the universe, or myself.
You do not need to be best buds with the friend. It's not required. In fact, you do not need to like said friend. But you will have to deal with him respectfully and honestly if you want to build a healthy non-monogamous relationship with your wife.
I feel sometimes that when I tell my spouse that I love her and will not leave her, my words go into a black hole where they disappear and have no effect. She does not believe me. It's frustrating when a loved one seems not to believe in one's love, even when openly and often stated and shown through deeds, not just words.
There are some things I cannot 'fix' for my spouse. Difficulty with accepting love is rooted in her internal mental, emotional and spiritual landscape. I can't make her feel secure by words, and not immediately at least, by deeds. Ultimately, you are the only one who can provide security for yourself. This does not mean your wife has no impact on you or does not have to do anything to help you feel more secure. Also the friend has a part to play in this as well. Not talking to you does not help at all.
However she may be experiencing similar frustration I've had over the years. Reassuring you may feel pointless if there seems to be no outward effect. Perhaps you can ask her what would be something you can say or do to indicate that you heard her - truly - tell you she loves you and will not leave. And, of course, she should not expect full acceptance or understanding overnight, or even anytime soon. But perhaps some token that you heard her, even as poly/non-monogamy is very undecided for you.