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Old 06-13-2011, 04:05 PM
Sikau Sikau is offline
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Colorado
Posts: 8

As we live & mature, we start to discover more of who we REALLY are.
Grounded Spirit -- Yes! This is so true, but I think it doesn't matter how hard anyone tries to convince their children of this, it is still a lesson one must learn themselves...usually through trial and error. I try to keep a positive outlook though, that without all of my experiences, even ones some might call "mistakes", I would not be the person that I am today. So as hard as it all is, it would be silly to say I'd want to change it, because then who would I be?

I'm going to venture that your hubby has opened some cans of worms in therapy that don't have covers (closure) on them yet. The process has really fed his insecurities in a big way. He's in a much more fearful position now that he was prior to therapy. Work is unfinished.
Clinging to monogamy as a lifeline is trying to take a simplified approach to a complex challenge. That being relationships & sexuality. Like most shortcuts - it usually doesn't work and it all comes crashing down on us.
I both agree and disagree with your assessment. I think the hubby (I'm gonna just call him R) has come a million miles forward from where he started in therapy. He's actually gained a real sense of self and the confidence to put that forward. However, I also think that it's possible for additional self-acceptance and confidence to emerge (it's always possible isn't it?). However, only he can know if/when the time is right for more work to be done and I fully support and respect that as his decision. I'm lucky that he also supports that in me. I only hope we find a way to be in sync with our growth.

Okay, so this one line struck me more than anything else. It's a no-brainer to me. You should be choosing yourself most of the time. I don't mean what TV show you watch at night, or silly things like that. If you consitently put others before you in matters that affect your very core, you will drain yourself. If you do not put yourself first, you will ultimately become useless to your husband.

His need to be monogamous is no more legitimate than your need to NOT be monogamous. That is an important thing to remember.
TruckerPete, I know that you are right, though R seems to have a better handle on this concept than I do. I guess I just keep hoping I can find a way to choose us both (there's that eternal optimist in me). I mentioned earlier that it's something that I have greatly struggled with most of my life, choosing myself first. And you are even more right when you say that my needs are as legitimate as can be so hard to remember that sometimes, between my personal doormat tendencies and the ideas of romance, sacrifice, etc that are conditioned into us from birth in our society. I often find myself wondering why I have to be the selfish one, why I want "more" than he does, etc. It definitely helps to be reminded that I'm not broken or crazy for challenging the accepted norms.
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