Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter
I can totally relate to this. I grew up in an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive household where I was conditioned to keep the peace and make sure everyone was happy, especially my step dad, so we would be safe. That carried on for years after I was married, inspite of the fact that I have a strong personality. I have done a lot of self exploration and self growth to discover who I am and what makes me happy and I have to say that it is work, but it can also be fun work. I was lucky enough to have Runic Wolf by my side supporting me though it. Ultimately, I am a caregiver, but I have learned my limits. Wendigo calls me our morale officer; but he also encourages me to turn to them when I am feeling stressed out or overwhelmed. And I've asked them to be my checks and balances to make sure that I don't bite off more than I can chew anymore.
Good luck with your journey and let me know if I can help in anyway.
Thanks Brigid! I didn't have to deal with abuse as a child, but my step dad was gone a lot and was neglectful of my mother and me. I'm sure that has something to do with me feeling like I have to be perfect and do everything right and never be needy so that someone will stay with me. And I also know that's not true, and I know that at some point the past needs to be gone and you have to step up to what you ACTUALLY have in reality. LOL.
Originally Posted by SNeacail
I missed why he is gone. But you do need to fully state your needs to him. Becareful not to tell him what he needs to change, but do tell him the problem you are having and he needs to help fix it. Sometimes it may be as simple as coordinating your calendars. My husband is known for over booking himself until others start to complain and physically show him that he has too much going on.
I will be watching your journey, becasue my SIL is also the caregiver/peacemaker in her family and she too is struggling to learn how to make herself happy and I would like to help her.
SNeacail-- he's deployed (in the Navy). He just got off of sea duty where he was deployed twice in two years, once to Iraq and once to the Phillippines. He'd transferred to shore duty and was pulled off of that to go to this post in D.C. in January. So he's been gone the majority of the past three years.
So the issue is... coordinating calendars doesn't work because he's 3,000 miles away. We did skype this weekend and we will do that more regularly, but it's a pale substitution for actual conversation and physical touch-- the latter is really what I am sorely lacking and something that is very important to me. That can't be imitated, it is there or it isn't.
And with each deployment it has gotten harder because I feel like I'm slowly withering being the one here, with nobody, taking care of all of the responsibilities. The first deployment was no problem, the second was a little harder, but this one has just worn down my ability to cope. Combine that with me being stressed in school and having extra stresses this past year with my aging mother, and well-- at some point the well runs dry.
I really do think I'm dangerously on the edge of emotional burnout. Not there yet completely, but very close. So that is what I really need to work on because I can't go there.
I do get to go see him in a little over two weeks for about 5 days, so that WILL help a lot. Hopefully enough to get through the 7 weeks after that until he gets home. I think part of the problem too is that he has not been there for me emotionally, physically, mentally for the past 2 years-- and though we're in a much better place and he wants to be that guy-- it's hard to convey from so far away.
Originally Posted by Magdlyn
It isn't fair, really. He's across the country, all he has to do is work and have fun with his new GF. You're home, maintaining a house, working, going to school and taking care of your(HIS) kids! You probably don't even have time to look on okc for a date, much less actually date.
As for being a people pleaser, my ex (note- "ex") was the same way. It was one of the reasons I broke up with him. He'd do too much for others, just so they would love him, and then he'd always resent not getting "enough" (whatever that would be) respect or appreciation for what he did. Now that we've been broken up for 2 years, he is still struggling with this... maybe getting a bit better at it because he was forced to look more at himself since I dumped him.
Yeah, it really isn't fair, but it is reality and not much can change it! While I am kind of an emotional person I am also pretty rational and logical (most of the time!), and so my head is telling me it's just the way it is, let's get practical and make it a little easier if you can and we'll get through it because we always do. My emotional side is burnt out on "powering through" everything. On being strong, holding on and getting through it. Because once I get through it there's just another "it" right around the corner. There is no end to "it".
I kind of just realized the extent of my people pleasing this weekend. I know I do it, but I just now really had it hit me what it has done to my personality and how it's not healthy. I see my counselor tomorrow and I have two goals I want to work on... 1) rearranging my life so that it is less stressful, less full of "have to's" and figure out what my passions are so that I can have those, too, and 2) un-intertwining myself from my husband (as it's been way too much and too unhealthy) and re-learning how to be a partner. How to love him, respect him, be able to work together with him on our lives, but not be so overinvested in everything he does and focused on him instead of my own damn life.
These are the two things I have done to myself... and I'm the only one that can fix them. I just need a little help on how to go about doing that.
I am on OKCupid... and did talk to someone through message that I may meet up with in the next week or so-- if they call (or I will this week). People are just so flaky I don't count on it, but it would be nice. I do think if I can get out more that will help with the lonliness and lack of physical touch part.