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Old 06-13-2011, 05:29 AM
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Seasnail Seasnail is offline
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Wow! This sounds scarily familiar. The first time my husband cheated, I refused to see the signs and told myself that he would never do that. We were also raised in "super-christian" households. It wasn't until years later that I put all the pieces together. I knew it was too late to just up an leave, but the hurt cut deep, it ate at me and resentment built up, which effected nearly every aspect of our marriage.

When I caught him this last time (cheating, getting ready to cheat, whatever), it sent me into anxiety attacks. I have never had one before and it was seriously scary. I spent alot of time thinking about the real issue, my first instinct was that it was about the sex, but that really wasn't it. I told myself that if we stay married, I will have to live with him looking for others (which is how I found myself here ), I quickly realized that I could live with him having sex with others, but not the lies, that was the deal-breaker. The hurt that hits me when it looks like he is keeping secrets again, is overwhelming, as if I had just discovered his betrayal all over again.

I'm told that the secrets were to just save my feelings, but I say "Bullshit!" The lies were to avoid the fall out of my reaction and therefore avoid the consequenses. I truely don't know what I would have said if he had asked to open our marriage. The first time, probably "No Way", but that was only 6 years into our marriage. However, if he had been serious and had good arguements that didn't put me on the defensive (that's hard for him, even now ), I might have changed my mind, I tend to be swayed by logic.
I knew, shortly after each affair. I just blinded myself to the possiblity that he would do it *again*, because it was *just wrong*. It took me a LONG time to figure out that the part that was *wrong* for ME was the lying & secrecy, not the sex, like many of my role models indicated.

After a time, I asked him about opening our relationship, because I finally saw that trying to be monogamous and failing was hurting him as much as I experienced catching him... we're not together anymore, but last week when we had coffee together, he mentioned that he was proud of me for continuing to make my own choices rather than to conforming to the "shoulds" of society. What a strange life we lead!
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