We did get to talk for a long time yesterday which was good. The not good part was by the time we finally got a chance to do that I was deep in the midst of complete emotional shutdown. The numb, don't feel anything feeling from Thursday was back with a vengeance, and I couldn't feel happy or sad or really anything. My best guess is that all of the emotional upheavel in the past few months on top of the emotional stress over the past few years finally reached the point where my little brain decided it couldn't take anymore.
I like to think I'm so strong I will power through anything, and in a way I will-- but this was a big sign to me that I'm taking on too much emotionally and I need to slow that down. I'm still not entirely sure how I'm going to do that, though. I can't not go to school, can't not deal with work and kids and stuff, can't make life stop.
One thing hubs and I talked about last night was that I really need to find what makes ME happy. Not activities or stuff that is enjoyable and distracting, because I have some of those and they're fine, but they don't REALLY make me happy deep down, they just keep me busy. And thinking about it I'm not really sure what would make me happy because I've spent my whole life making other people my priority, or getting my happiness in being with them. It's a hard thing to realize about yourself, that I've on my own just made other people more important than my own desires and happiness.
I'm not even sure how to go about figuring out what that is... LOL. What I do know is that I need to get out of my head so much, I need to stop doing so much mental and emotional WORK, and I need to just relax and enjoy... something. LOL
I got to talk to hubs' GF last night as well and it was nice. I do like her a lot. She's a lot like hubs in the way that they're both very "here's who I am, love me or leave me"... totally opposite of me. But it did make me realize I need to work on my own confidence and happiness that isn't attached to ANYONE ELSE. I need to make decisions for myself without taking everyone else into consideration first. I need to say no more often, I need to say yes to myself more often.
I've spent a lifetime taking care of everybody else, and while they let me they didn't ask me to do that. I think I thought I had to do that, because why else would anybody love me and stay with me. I don't believe that anymore. But I need to change my life so that it's revolving around myself for a while. Wish there was a manual on how to do that... LOL.