Originally Posted by Sikau
He's also asked me to try to figure out the big "why" of this part of me.
. . . it feels healthy and wholesome and right for me to share myself romantically and sexually with others, to let relationships and friendships develop organically and be expressed in whatever form feels right. To follow my own heart and beliefs rather than shove them aside to appease those around me (which I have done pretty much my entire life).
Well, there's your "why" in a nutshell. Is there any need for more? I don't think so.
In reading your story, though, I think there are more choices than either of you can see right now, and I think it would behoove you both to go and talk further about it in therapy together
. It isn't fair that your husband put it to you as an ultimatum that leaves you alone to decide the fate of your marriage. I wonder if someone (his therapist?) put that idea into his head.
This is something that I believe can still be worked out by the both of you in some kind of agreement, perhaps taking little baby steps at a time. By that I mean, maybe don't have full-on sex with someone right away, but cultivate a flirty friendship with someone and then your both check in to see how comfortable he is with that before moving forward to kissing and more sexual contact/activity.
Right now I think you both need to keep talking but don't give him an answer - an agreement requires BOTH sides to be okay with whatever the agreement's about. And acquiescing to a demand is not an agreement, nor is walking away because your choice would be punished. In talking, I would also address this gun he's put to your head. I find that very interesting. Why did he feel he had to put it to you that way? Is there some insecurity or anger that is manifesting itself as wanting to be the man in charge, so to speak? Did someone give him crap about the swinging and now he's feeling all judgmental and wrong about everything you guys have done? Yes, therapy, together as a couple, with someone open-minded and whom you trust, seems it would be very beneficial to you right now.